A Break Up Letter

March is Endometriosis awareness month, a disorder that affects approximately 1 out of every 10 women in the United States. For me, however, I’m aware of it every single day of every single month, and I have been for the last 20 years (although, that’s REALLY weird to say).  I’m raising awareness this month by sharing my story in a unique way - a breakup letter to my uterus and her friends. For most women with severe endometriosis, the best treatment to take care of the disorder is to have a hysterectomy. That has been my reality since 2007, before I was even married or had kids. It was on my plan for any emergency c-sections I might have had (Praise the Lord for His plans!!), and it’s now the top priority for me from my doctor.

Endometriosis is a condition that happens when tissue similar to the lining of a woman’s uterus grows outside of the uterus. Lack of education and awareness is a big reason endometriosis goes undetected and undiagnosed.

Dear Uterus and Friends,

It’s not me, it’s definitely you, and it’s time we officially break up.  While you have carried three precious babies, and I will always be grateful for that, you have played a role in some of the darkest days of my life - both directly and indirectly. Please don’t pretend to be blindsided. You’ve been wreaking havoc since I was 15. If you need a little help remembering, we can take a trip down memory lane...

The first time you and your pals ever reared your ugly head, I was 15 years old and I didn’t have a clue what was going on, other than the fact I was in excruciating pain in my abdomen. I remember one of the worst days, one of my best guy friends carried me out of the school to my car and my best girlfriend drove me home where I ended up on my couch, almost paralyzed for hours.

The days surrounding that time are a blur. I remember lots of fun days with friends, but I also remember so much turmoil. I remember so much pain and uncertainty. Our initial doctors’ appointments led to a depression questionnaire- and there it was... physical pain unexplained manifested to a mental health crisis and I learned to keep my feelings to myself. (Slammed with 375 mg of an antidepressant a day, where the normal average was 75...but that’s a story for another day and another letter.)

You made me question everything. There were days I outright thought I was crazy, until another flare up ramped up, and I remembered all too well how intense the pain could get.

Two doctors, several specialists, multiple scans, trips outside of my hometown of Sulphur Springs, and a gynecologist later...I finally found myself in the office of a new doctor, a man that would begin to pave the way for some answers for us and a plan! He's been with us for almost every single plot twist you sent our way.

6 years from our first round together, I finally had a name for the torment you were causing in my life - ENDOMETRIOSIS. A laparoscopic procedure in the summer of 2007 revealed I had endometriosis that had taken up residence with you and your surrounding friends. I believed we’d have the surgery, follow the protocol, and be on our way to healing, coming back to you later when we could use you to grow a baby!

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

You never did act right. And this was the first time I saw just how much you refused to do what you were supposed to, even with medical help to ensure you would! After a successful surgery and standard recovery (PRAISE!), we got ready for the Lupron injection. The injection was to stop my cycle for a period of 3 months, but you did just the opposite. A time where my body was supposed to heal and rest went into overdrive and allowed endometriosis to make its home in my body even more.

Once the injections were done, we moved on to hormonal birth control to try and tame you and your buddies, but that worked only slightly better than the shots, and I moved into a period of time I refer to as the “deal with it” period where I just lived my life and ignored you as much as I could, quietly suffering through the pain you caused on an almost daily basis.

Over the next 4 years, Brad and I graduated from college, got married, started our professional careers, and moved...a lot. But in 2011, I told Brad I was ready to redeem you a little and put you to some good use! We knew it might take some time because of all the fun you'd already caused, so after a minor freak out from Brad - I got off birth control and we started trying to grow our family.

Month after month, you and your little posse reminded us in the most ugly of ways that you were still “in charge” and had no plans of slowing down! I’d like to send you the bill for all those pregnancy tests we wasted our money (and emotions) on.

In the fall of 2012, we decided to take some steps to combat your ugly attitude and I met with a PCOS specialist who could also help with my endometriosis. I had my second surgery (August 2012) and was officially diagnosed with PCOS. The healing from that surgery was BRUTAL. It flared up all the endometriosis that was on my pelvic wall area and it took months to get me back on track. The shooting pain in my lower back began with that surgery and has never stopped since.

In September, we began to ease into the protocol for how that doctor managed PCOS and to say my body freaked out would be an understatement. The purpose of the drugs were to get you in check so that I could move forward with trying to get a baby for you to hold on to, but my body went into complete shock. I was sick for days before Brad and I decided a trip to the ER was necessary. What I thought would be a few hour stay for some IV hydration turned into some of the toughest days of this entire experience. (You and your little friends should have to endure an ABG for good measure just to see how it feels! Pretty sure you’d be nicer after that!) 28 pokes later thanks to some severe dehydration, I was admitted for further testing because my levels were critically high - acidosis was the final diagnosis, and my organs were in danger. (Of all the trouble you’ve caused...that’s still not the worst I saw from you, although it was terrifying at the time! more on those days here.)

I took myself off all of the medicine and we switched it up to Ovulation Tests to try and time things a little better. Once again, you and your mini army were all over the place and my first positive ovulation result was almost a WEEK after it should have been...but it was also our lucky charm and our sweet Bryleigh was conceived. 

You handled pregnancy 1 really well. (I did not. But that’s another story, unrelated to you, so congratulations for that.) For the first time in 13 years, YOU had to take a break and do the job you were made to do.

From 2014 when you finished your job of carrying Bryleigh, until 2019...we would go through tremendous loss together when I miscarried our second little babe. To say I was angry and done with you and your friends doesn't begin to cover it, but I held on to hope that we could be a team again. And we were! In 2016, we would work together to bring sweet William into the world... However, you were dead set on releasing him to the world WAY too early and every chance you got. A contracting uterus from 15 weeks pregnant on and preterm labor at 31 weeks is NO way to remind me you are still marching to your own beat. (You should know that the magnesium they used to calm you down was the absolute worst experience of my life, ever.) Things went almost identical in 2018/2019 when we carried Carson together, except I knew better than to trust you and took all necessary precautions to ensure he stayed put!!

So that brings us to basically present day, and while you have served your greater purpose of carrying precious little lives, and while I am eternally grateful for that opportunity and the job you did...I am officially done with you. The months since we delivered Carson have been tough, when you, your friends, and your evil counterpart - Endometriosis - have caused issues in almost every part of my body including memory loss and severe headaches,  knee and joint pain, back pain that stops me dead in my tracks, depression, anxiety, and cycles that leave me dizzy and close enough to passing out. And while I know living without you will present some of its own issues, I know my days will be far better once we go our separate ways! I can't help by look forward to the future and know that healthier days are ahead of me.

Hear me when I say, you and the damage you have done to my body are NOT a mistake. God didn’t “mess up” when He made me. He allowed your role in my life for a reason and a purpose, and He will receive the glory from my life - every single part of it. I know that every day I have endured in this serve a greater purpose for His plans for my life.  I know that every issue we have faced is one that can be used to bring Him glory. I know that I am partially who I am today because of your role God allowed in my life, and He alone will get the glory for that.

Sincerely,

Carrie Allison

For more information about Endometriosis and what is being done, read here: https://www.everydayhealth.com/endometriosis/awareness-month/