Grace Upon Grace

There's always that one question every lesson that leaves me with my thoughts for days, and Lesson 1 for this BSF year was no different - "Can you share with your group a way you have experienced Jesus' grace in your life?"

Sometimes these "heart" questions cause me to walk away for a little bit and really think, but this one came easy.  I LOOK at my grace in the face every day.  I pick her up in the mornings from her bed.  I take care of her needs throughout the day, and I absolutely melt when she reaches out for me to give me a "huggie" and a "kissie."  It's my daughter.  (And now I can add FEELING my grace every single day with every turn, hiccup, and karate chop to the ribs that Will does.)

You see, being someone that starved their self day in and day out for the better part of three years, I did major damage to my body - but God's grace covered me that entire time.  I suffered my share of health related issues during that time, but in no way did I ever suffer as I deserved based on the amount of nutrients I restricted from my body.  God's grace also covered me on the day I finally saw the words "Pregnant" on that "Clear Blue Test."  My body isn't one that should have ever made a baby - because of how I was created AND because of how I treated what God created...yet THREE times, my body has made a baby.  That's God's grace.

John 1:16 says, "Out of His fullness we have all received GRACE in place of GRACE already given."  He was nailed on the cross to wipe every sin in my life completely clean.  He is the spotless lamb that was sacrificed because I would never be able to atone for my sins personally.  Wow, what grace!

As I drove home from taking Bryleigh to school, song after song played on the radio that continued to speak to my heart and where we are in life right now, as well as all that God has done in our lives to get us to this point.  But none spoke so loudly this morning as "You Never Let Go."  It was weird to hear at first because it was that song, sung by Matt Redman (on repeat) that carried me through days... (weeks...months...years) of infertility, and again through the heartbreak of miscarriage.  Needless to say, every time I hear him sing it (or we sing it at church), I can not help but praise Him for Bryleigh Renee, and now William Bradley.

But today, it was even different - Jeremy Camp was the one singing it.  To hear his voice singing any song takes me back to a very specific time in my life - my days at Baylor University.  I had a VERY basic (but super cute) mp3 player that held ABOUT 12 songs on it (that we had downloaded from Napster, of course).  It was during that time that I first heard Jeremy Camp, and I would walk MILES all over that campus and study HOURS in those libraries listening to his songs on repeat.

Baylor was some of my greatest times in my life, but it was always some of my very lowest, where the depression I lived with was so severe, yet SO unknown.  As I listened to Jeremey Camp sing "You Never Let Go," this morning, I couldn't help but think about the countless times God's grace covered me on that campus.  I made countless mistakes and bad decisions, but through God's grace, He protected me daily and carried me through each day, until He sat me down perfectly on my parents 2-seater sofa on Austin Acre Road and I told them, "I just can't go back."  (And then He carried me every step of the way after, but that's a whole other blog!)

"Oh no, you never let go, through the calm and through the storm.  Oh no, you never let go, in every high and every low.  Oh no, you never let go, Lord you never let go of me."  

Thank you Lord, for never letting go of me!

Depression Sucks.

Just like everyone else, I was so sad to hear about the passing of actor Robin Williams.  He was immensely talented and did so much good with his life.  I mean, who can make you laugh until you cry and then cry until you laugh, and all in the same movie??  (If you don't know the answer, you need to check out Patch Adams.)

His passing definitely put a damper on the end of an otherwise normal day, but I fully expected to wake up yesterday morning with a fresh new day, and although I knew I would see countless tributes to him and articles about him, I had no idea how it would affect me.

Let's start by saying the day was an unusually bad tough one where Bryleigh was concerned.  It just wasn't a "normal" day with her as she was a little more fussy/needy than normal, but there were no signs of sickness, teething, or anything that really let me know what to do to help her.  So we just snuggled a whole lot, and I dealt with the tears when I absolutely had to put her down.  There was also the morning "Diaper" incident I referred to on Facebook.

However, a day that would have been a little tougher than the usual turned to almost impossible with every post I saw regarding the tragic event of Williams' death.  It was suicide.  He was depressed.  And now half of my newsfeed was overtaken with people who had opinions and were suddenly "experts" on the topic, most of which have probably never suffered from the debilitating disease or watched a loved one suffer from it.  (You can ask my mom, dad, and husband...they might say it's worse to watch it happen than to actually have it.)

Some of it was hard to see because it was so spot on about what depression feels like and looks like that it took me right back to some of the darkest times of my life.  The rest of it was even harder to see because it was people posting hurtful things about something they have zero experience with.  (And let me tell you, getting dumped in 10th grade by the boy you thought was the love of your life is not even remotely close to what severe clinical depression feels like or looks like.)

As I sat and thought about it some (and prayed about it a whole lot), I wondered what I would say if someone asked me what it felt like, what it feels like to be depressed.  I immediately knew what I would say.  The word that came to me yesterday was choking.  And then I saw THIS post by the beautiful and eloquent Ann Voskamp, and she put "choking" into far better words than I was thinking yesterday.

"depression is like a room engulfed in flames and you can’t breathe for the sooty smoke smothering you limp"

I was first diagnosed with depression at 16 years old.  The first time I ever said the words, "I suffer from depression" was at 20 years old.  It took me four years to even be able to say the words, and several years after that to really understand what was going on.  Now days, I can feel a low coming on or know it's here within a few days of it happening, but back then, I would go months and not know what was going on.  I was just stuck there, choking.

Some of the darkest days of my life are probably ones that most don't even know existed.  I've learned over the years how to "Fake It."  Depression has cost me some of my closest friendships.  How could I make them understand something I didn't even understand myself?  It cost me one of my biggest hopes and dreams.  I left Baylor after 3 of the toughest semesters of my life.  I would sleep 17 hours a day at times and found concentrating to study next to impossible.  Those 3 semesters were followed by what I can easily say was the darkest, hardest year of my life.  I came off of the medication I had been on for several years and the journey was excruciating.  (I'd put money on one of my parents' darkest days during this journey being the day I locked myself in their house...I don't even remember that day.)  I've quit job after job because I would rather be in a dark room by myself than surrounded by laughter (and providing for myself).

Depression sucks.  It sucks the passion out of you.  It sucks the energy out of you.  It sucks the happiness out of you.  It sucks the LIFE out of you.  It can kill your hopes and your dreams.  It can kill your relationships.  It can kill your job.  It can kill your self-worth.  It makes you say things you don't mean and mean things you don't say.  Depression SUCKS.

I'm thankful beyond words to my Heavenly Father that He has held me so delicately in his hands during every high and every low, protecting me from ever feeling like the best way to solve my current darkness was to ensure that there was a final and complete darkness.  But I can sit here and tell you as honestly as my heart allows that I know how someone can get there.  I know that people that face those demons alone, without a strong support system of people that listen to them and do their best to understand let alone without the ultimate Healer, I know that those people have absolutely no hope of seeing a better day.  So when the depression sucks the life out of you and you don't have that Hope, there's not a life left to take...it's only finding a way to end the darkness.

My hope and prayer is that this tragedy opens the eyes and hearts of those that suffer from the disease and those that love someone that does.  People will continue to hide behind closed doors or try to "fix" the issue themselves if they feel that they can not be honest about their pain, and some of the articles that were circulating yesterday as well as some of the back-handed comments I saw were nothing short of ostracizing and hurtful... Your words matter.

A little fatherly advice

I'm so thankful for a mother and father that speak truth in to my life.  They remind me what life is really all about and Who is ultimately in control.  They are more encouraging and loving than I possibly deserve, and I could never repay them for all they have given to me.

Today as I was driving to my follow up doctors appointment after my hospital stay last week, I called my dad to give him the good news that my shot had FINALLY come in (some how September 28 turned in to November 9...).  We talked for a bit about all that was going on, and before we got off, he stopped me and said that he really wanted to encourage me to find the positives in all that is going on right now.  We've had a lot thrown at us over the past few months, and although these blog posts have been informative to my friends and family that are interceding on my behalf, they definitely don't have many positive thoughts.

I've always been the happy-go-lucky girl, the one who can find the positive in any situation, and the one with endless hopes and dreams, but this journey has definitely gotten to me at times.  And in all of that, Satan has definitely been able to sink his jabs in every now and then as well!  I'm so thankful for my dad's wisdom and advice to get me back on track.

So here it goes...finding the positive - and from here on it, every blog will end positive, no matter what the purpose of the post!

1 - I have found a doctor that KNOWS what is going on inside my body AND has the answers to help me live a healthier life.
2 - He is working (and will continue to work) with us to make it possible for us to have what we want...a baby...and what I need...my health!
3 - Modern medicine allows me to have a chance at both of those above.
4 - God has given me a heart for adoption, whether that's the only way I become a mommy or not...it's something I have a passion for.
5 - We live across the street from the hospital.  Brad was able to run home to take care of Emmitt, and we didn't have to drive much at all to get the help I needed.
6 - I have good insurance, so we aren't breaking the bank to get the help I need.
7 - I got to spend a lot of quality time with Brad last week.  I saw (once again) how good of a caretaker Brad really is. As we went through one of our toughest trials as a couple, we did it together - I didn't HAVE to have my parents there because I knew Brad was going to take care of anything and everything. (But I was very thankful for their visit!)
8 - God orchestrated conversations with BOTH of our bosses to cover the time away while we are at the hospital with PTO we weren't aware we could use.
9 - I have a family (and friends) that are incredibly supportive in helping me through this journey.
10 - I have a God that has my very best interest in His heart, and He has a perfect plan for my family.

Ask, Seek, and Knock - No Barging In!

Have you ever heard that a song can take you back to a different place in time? Well I can tell you from personal experience that it does. I haven’t been able to listen to Dave Barnes for the past five years without getting an awful feeling in my stomach and an intense anger in my heart. I would listen to Mr. Barnes for HOURS at a time in my dorm room at Baylor and listening to him takes me right back to that room – 441, Collins Hall, some of the best and worst days of my life.


When getting ready for our wedding last summer, I found pictures of me in my high chair with a Baylor bib on. I can remember going to basketball games and touring the campus as an elementary student, and the trips I took to Waco once my brother became a student were some of my favorite times. I never bothered to ask God if Baylor was a part of his plan for me, I just assumed that the path I was on headed straight there.


I quickly learned, or rather – not so quickly – that wasn’t the case. I would study for HOURS for various tests, and put my whole heart into projects only to get back mediocre grades, sometimes even F’s. My grades were a huge reason that I decided to leave Baylor, but I believe that was the way God allowed me to realize I was NOT in the center of His will for my life. I wasn’t listening to Him in other ways, so he began to shut the door – I’m pretty sure each C, D, or F I received was a nail in the door making it impossible for me to be as successful I longed to be at Baylor. It was all I EVER wanted in life, but I never bothered to ask if it was what God wanted. And that is why it was so hard for me to be taken back to that place, I was angry that God DIDN’T allow me to have the same experience at Baylor that my brother and so many of my friends had. I was ashamed that I had failed, that I wasn’t able to be successful. And I was slowly slipping away from myself. My dreams and passions for life were slipping away, and I was shutting everyone around me out of my life. So listening to David Barnes would take be back to that very point in my life and those same feelings began to overwhelm me again.


Luke 11:9 says, “And I tell you, ASK, and it will be given to you; SEEK, and you will find; KNOCK, and it will be opened to you.” I’ve knocked on plenty of doors during the last 5 years, and I‘ve been earnestly seeking the path that God wanted me to travel but I selfishly opened doors based on my terms.

The last door I refused to shut was my desire to finish my accounting degree. It is something I could sit for hours and work through. Even the tough days and bad grades didn’t discourage me from continuing to work for my goal. But that was another door that I found myself forcing open rather than knocking and allowing God to open it for me – until He gently shut it behind me a month ago.

For those of you that have been following my status updates and notes over the past year, I have been on a journey of really finding myself and my path in life. I was laid off from a job I’d had for three years and had a difficult road following as I looked for a job. I had promising interviews that left me with no job offer, and a few job offers that left me with a troubled feeling. I thought I had finally reached the end of my journey when I received a job offer from a company where I would be their accounting manager. The week before I started, we celebrated, got prepared for the new “big girl” job, and breathed a little easier – but the one thing we didn’t bother to do was ASK God if this was a door he wanted me to walk through. Within a week of being in the position, I realized that God was telling me that was not His plan for my life, and neither was accounting.

So for those of you that have been wondering where the steel job went, it was never really mine to begin with. It’s given me a lot of closure, not just for accounting, but for other doors that God has closed behind me as well. I listened to an entire CD from Dave Barnes this morning and not once was there a sting of hurt or disappointment. On the contrary, there was a new feeling – a feeling of hope and promise.

I’ve learned a lot over the last 5 years, and even more over the past year, but the most important is the promise of Luke 9:11, to ASK first, then SEEK, then KNOCK – not once in that verse does it say to barge in, bust down, or ring the door bell so many times that God finally gets annoyed and lets you in. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for a hope and a future.’” So that is the promise I am clinging to now. I know that God has my best interest at heart and He won’t shut any door in my life without reason for a BETTER life to come.