Grace Upon Grace

There's always that one question every lesson that leaves me with my thoughts for days, and Lesson 1 for this BSF year was no different - "Can you share with your group a way you have experienced Jesus' grace in your life?"

Sometimes these "heart" questions cause me to walk away for a little bit and really think, but this one came easy.  I LOOK at my grace in the face every day.  I pick her up in the mornings from her bed.  I take care of her needs throughout the day, and I absolutely melt when she reaches out for me to give me a "huggie" and a "kissie."  It's my daughter.  (And now I can add FEELING my grace every single day with every turn, hiccup, and karate chop to the ribs that Will does.)

You see, being someone that starved their self day in and day out for the better part of three years, I did major damage to my body - but God's grace covered me that entire time.  I suffered my share of health related issues during that time, but in no way did I ever suffer as I deserved based on the amount of nutrients I restricted from my body.  God's grace also covered me on the day I finally saw the words "Pregnant" on that "Clear Blue Test."  My body isn't one that should have ever made a baby - because of how I was created AND because of how I treated what God created...yet THREE times, my body has made a baby.  That's God's grace.

John 1:16 says, "Out of His fullness we have all received GRACE in place of GRACE already given."  He was nailed on the cross to wipe every sin in my life completely clean.  He is the spotless lamb that was sacrificed because I would never be able to atone for my sins personally.  Wow, what grace!

As I drove home from taking Bryleigh to school, song after song played on the radio that continued to speak to my heart and where we are in life right now, as well as all that God has done in our lives to get us to this point.  But none spoke so loudly this morning as "You Never Let Go."  It was weird to hear at first because it was that song, sung by Matt Redman (on repeat) that carried me through days... (weeks...months...years) of infertility, and again through the heartbreak of miscarriage.  Needless to say, every time I hear him sing it (or we sing it at church), I can not help but praise Him for Bryleigh Renee, and now William Bradley.

But today, it was even different - Jeremy Camp was the one singing it.  To hear his voice singing any song takes me back to a very specific time in my life - my days at Baylor University.  I had a VERY basic (but super cute) mp3 player that held ABOUT 12 songs on it (that we had downloaded from Napster, of course).  It was during that time that I first heard Jeremy Camp, and I would walk MILES all over that campus and study HOURS in those libraries listening to his songs on repeat.

Baylor was some of my greatest times in my life, but it was always some of my very lowest, where the depression I lived with was so severe, yet SO unknown.  As I listened to Jeremey Camp sing "You Never Let Go," this morning, I couldn't help but think about the countless times God's grace covered me on that campus.  I made countless mistakes and bad decisions, but through God's grace, He protected me daily and carried me through each day, until He sat me down perfectly on my parents 2-seater sofa on Austin Acre Road and I told them, "I just can't go back."  (And then He carried me every step of the way after, but that's a whole other blog!)

"Oh no, you never let go, through the calm and through the storm.  Oh no, you never let go, in every high and every low.  Oh no, you never let go, Lord you never let go of me."  

Thank you Lord, for never letting go of me!

So What's Your Apple?

"When we bought the Enemy's lie in the beginning and ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, Satan hissed then that we'd really see and know what is good and evil.  But the Father of Lies, he'd duped us in the whole nine yards.  Though we ate of that tree, we did not become like God."  

--Devotion 52, Storm Grace from Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts Devotional"

And there it is.  From the beginning of time, Satan has been dangling our greatest cravings and addictions in front of us, showing us how good they taste, how good they feel, and then dropping it at our feet for us to devour.  He's been lying to us to inflate our egos, to build up our selfishness and pride, and enhance our jealousies.  (I could go on here, but I'll just leave you with the first three that came to mind.)

Satan never REALLY gives us what we want, though.  That is it.  That is THE point of all of this.

When God created us, He had a plan for His greatest creation, and that was to "be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1:28)," taking care of the land and everything in it that He also created.  Not only that, but He provided for our every need.  He gave us EVERYTHING, but still, Eve wanted more...we want(ed) more.  She looked on her Creator and wanted everything He had, including the knowledge of good and evil.  And Satan found his in.

Genesis 2, verses 16 and 17 says, "And the Lord God commanded the man saying, 'You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.'"

Satan makes Eve question God, asking her if God actually said they couldn't eat of any tree, pointing out that she might be missing out on something good.  (Really?! Like Satan has something BETTER to offer us than THE KING OF KINGS?!)  If you can eat of some, why can't you eat the rest?  And then he comes in for "The Kill" when he says, "You will not surely die.  For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing Good and Evil (Genesis 3:4-5)."  Bingo.  He hit her right in her weakest spot, just like he likes to hit us in our weakest spots.

So Eve ate it.  She took the bait and took a bite.

Being someone that is a discretional eater (some might call this "picky"), I have not had a wide variety of fruit in my day, but I can say I've had the BEST strawberries in the world.  Fresh strawberries from Moldova will literally MELT. IN. YOUR. MOUTH.  Even as good as those were, and imagining what fruit MUST have tasted like in that Garden all those years ago, I can not fathom that the apple tasted good enough to face all that came after.

And what was Eve left with after that one tasty bite?  Pain, embarrassment, separation from God...  Once again, I could go on here, but we can keep it short and assume one thing, Eve was NOT satisfied after eating that fruit, not from the taste, and certainly not from what was promised to her.  She did not get what she wanted, nor did she get what she thought she would.

That's how Satan fights.  HE gets what HE wants when we fall into his traps and temptations, believing what he has to offer us is good and fulfilling.  He is satisfied when we feed our addictions, when we try to satisfy our cravings, when we become prideful and arrogant, when we operate from our selfish desires, and when we react to the jealousy we have burning in our hearts.

I've got a lot of apples that Satan likes to dangle in front of my face.  He makes them look enticing and juicy with all kinds of promise that can come from one bite, and each time I take a bite, I'm left less satisfied than before.

"But I have come..."  We aren't left to wallow in our sin or fight pointless battles that we will never win against the King of Deceit.  We have a Savior who came to give us life, and not just life, but ABUNDANT life.  All those empty promises that the Father of Lies dangles in front of us can't even compare to the life God has in store for us.

We have to learn to correct our focus.  When the devil dangles your apple of choice in front of you, you have shift your focus so that you can see what he is really offering you.  (Like getting that one last dig in to your husband in your latest argument is going to leave you feeling satisfied and empowered, it's going to leave you feeling disconnected and full of regret.)  We have to shift our focus to the true gifts of the Father and the abundant life that He offers us.  I'm pretty sure we'll be amazed with the orchards full of delicious apples He has for us!

You Look Like Your Daddy

From the very moment my little girl was placed in my arms, there was not one single doubt about who she looked like.  She is the spitting image of her daddy, a little “Mini He,” as I like to refer to the prettiest part of the dynamic duo.

And over the first few hours, days, and weeks that followed that moment, I realized it was more than just looks that the two of them shared.  During one of our nights in the hospital, I had been watching Bryleigh as she slept so peacefully in my arms, and was completely caught off guard when I looked over at her daddy laying in the hospital windowsill-turned-daybed sleeping in EXACTLY the same way. (I wasn’t quite used to all the similarities at this point!)

They look the same, they sleep the same, they even breathe the same.  Three weeks in to being home with Brad and Little Brad, I noticed something I hadn’t seen before.  Bryleigh was doing some tummy time on our chaise and I saw a mole on the outside bridge of her left foot.  Noting it was NOT de ja vu, I immediately knew I had seen this very same mole before, and it didn’t take too long to remember exactly where I had seen it…on the outside bridge of her daddy’s left foot!  They have the exact same mole on the exact same spot of their bodies. CRAZY.

Some people have apologized to me that she doesn’t look anything like me, others have laughed with me at just how much she favors her daddy, and the few that are bad at the whole “Who do you look like?” game have told me they’re just not really sure who she looks like. 

As Bryleigh continues to grow, she’s definitely starting to change.  One of my favorite changes is that her hair is getting lighter.  She was born with LOTS of dark hair, a head full of it!  But over the past eight months (8?!? How did that happen???), her hair has started to lighten up, and when the light hits it in certain ways, you can see the copper, auburn highlights that I’VE come to be known for.

I had a moment of pride recently when I was talking with Brad’s Grandma and she noticed this feature.  She said something along the lines of, “Well it looks like she’s getting her momma’s hair!”

So mark one up for the “Like Momma” traits.  And while you’re there, you can go ahead and check off the “sleep” category as well.  We are ALL thankful that she got her love for sleep from her momma.  That baby girl could sleep through the night at the early age of SEVEN weeks, and she‘s been known to choose naptime over mealtime!

I know that over time, her features will change and various parts of her will favor one of us over the other.  I also know that as her personality develops and other traits that aren’t necessarily physical come to light, she’ll take a little bit of each of us.

As people come up and talk to Bryleigh, it‘s very common for me to hear, “You sure do look like your daddy!”  Even perfect strangers have commented on how Miss B seems to favor one of us over the other.

As Christians, isn’t that what we want.  How incredible would it be for those we know, or even better, a perfect stranger to walk up to us and say, “That, whatever that was I just saw, I know I’ve seen that before.  YOU must be a child of God.”

Genesis 1:27 says, “So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.”  Wow.  Did you catch that?  We were created in HIS image…that means we have His attributes within us.

Beloved, YOU were created, as a child of God, with all the loving, kindness, gentleness (and the list goes on and on) that make up our one perfect Savior.  We were created in HIS image, so we are created with those same qualities within us.

Not every sweet new babe is born into the world looking and acting just like one parent or another.  Sometimes it takes a little bit of time, and as they grow, those likenesses tend to come out more and more.  (And sometimes it’s even day-to-day.  One day, I might have humor that stems from my mom, and the next day it might come from my dad.)

I’ve got brown eyes like my daddy, and I’m left handed like my mommy.  Those are physical traits that could be seen from a very young age, but there are other traits that we couldn’t see until I was a little older.  I get my “math brain” from my algebra teaching father AND my 5^th grade math teaching mother.  And as far as personality goes, there are plenty of things that I get from each of them to make the perfect blend of ME! (Although, I’m sure my brother would take credit from some of my “good stuff”!)

It works the same way with our Heavenly Father and being made in His image.  There are traits that can be seen very early on in our lives, but there are other things that tend to come out more over time, as we grow in our relationship with Him.  As our relationship matures with our Heavenly Father, so do those characteristics that look like Him.

I recently asked my friends the question, “What attribute of Christ’s do you want to embody?”

They each said different things, but it all stemmed from the same place, they want to LOVE like He loves.  Christ forgives us over and over, no matter how bad we’ve messed up, because of His love for us.  Through His love for us, He is faithful to us (which is related to the whole forgive and forgive again thing).  And His beautiful grace.  Oh His grace.  As a part of His love for us, He shows us grace in that He continually picks us back up and dusts us off each and every time we fall short.  And that's exactly how we are to love others as well, extending them the grace our Father gives us.

I want ALL of Him.  I want every good and perfect part of Him that He has to offer, but there are some pieces I’d prefer to have in IV form dripping right in to my blood stream, those areas that are SO hard for me to live out from day to day (and that love I was referring to up there ^...it definitely tops the list...as can be seen over the past 63 days of my prayer journal).  The patience with my husband or my child that doesn’t always come naturally.  The loving reaction to someone that has seriously hurt my feelings.  The humility needed when I feel I’ve done so much for someone, only to receive nothing in return.  (I could go on, but I think you get the picture.)  As one of the other ladies mentioned when I posed the question, she would like His peace.  An IV of His peace going straight to my heart?  Yeah, that would be wonderful.  (“I mean, was Jesus ever nervous? Nope!” – Michelle M.)

There are areas in my life that I prefer to refer to as “Work in Progress” areas, and it is these areas that I wish for audible, tangible proclamations from the Lord before I cross over the line…I’d be happy with a text message!  A nice little, “Hey Carrie…how about you take about 15 seconds to think over that response to your husband before you bark back that ‘command’ at him?”  Or a, “Um, Carrie.  Remember me?  The guy that died on the cross for every filthy sin you WOULD ever commit?  What’s wrong with forgiving your sister of that one little misstep?  Did you ever stop to think about what she might be going through that caused her to hurt your feelings in the first place?”

But as much as I would love an IV drip of His love or an instantaneous text message as I’m about to royally mess up, I have to remember that as a Child of God…I’ve already got it!!  Because I am His, I have His spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) and 1 Corinthians 2:16 even tells us that we have THE MIND of Christ!  As Beth Moore said, “Beloved, fathom the miracle of it.  We are finite beings of frail human flesh occupied by the Spirit of the supernatural, all-powerful, all-present, all-knowing Godhead.”

When I feel bitter, I have His joy.  When hatefulness seems to just fly out of my mouth (or build up in my heart), I have His kindness.  When I feel like giving up, I have His strength.  I was made in the image of God, and I hope that as I continue to grow in my relationship with Him, people will come up to me and say, “You sure do look like your Daddy.”

Greater is the One living inside me than he who is living in the world.

How do you hope to look more like your Daddy today?

I am Judas’ Kiss

I’m so grateful to my parents for so many things they gave me growing up, the lessons they taught me, and the traditions they shared with me and my brother. One of those traditions that I am most thankful for is that we did NOT wake up on Easter morning to a basket filled with candy and goodies. Of course we celebrated Easter, and of course I experienced plenty of Easter egg hunts with my friends and my family. But I am thankful that I did not wake up each year expecting the latest of my “I want this” list to have something marked off thanks to “The Easter Bunny,” I’m thankful that my parents never made it about anything more than the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

I have spent my whole life in church, and I have been able to somewhat “grasp” what took place almost 2000 years ago. Although my mind can’t even begin to fathom why, or the pain that really took place, or the love that my Heavenly Father showed. For some reason, this year I find myself even hungrier for the truth. The weight of what took place over the course of those few days weighs so heavily on my heart and it is something I’m aware of in every thought and every aspect of the day.

Over the past few months, I have been drawn to the story of Judas as it comes up in different places. The One Year Bible plan has already gotten in to the book of Luke, so we have read the Crucifixion story 3 times (and a just about to read it once more) and I continually long to know more about Judas. What else was going on in his life? What was so tempting that he could betray someone (anyone, let alone JESUS) on such a terrible level? At what point did he regret his decision, as soon as his lips touched Jesus’ face, or was it a little later?

The Wednesday before Jesus crucifixion is known to some as “Holy Wednesday” and to others it is known as “Spy Wednesday.” It is given this name because some believe that on that Wednesday Judas met with the Sanhedrin to set up a plan to betray Jesus. This was no surprise to Jesus though; He had spoken of it to His disciples on a few occasions. And as He sat with them and shared a final meal together, He did His best to prepare their hearts one last time.

I read through this passage in Matthew today and I noticed something I hadn’t before. In verse 27, Jesus pours wine for each of the disciples and says, “Drink of it, all of you, for this is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.” – Wow…did you catch that?? Jesus says for them to drink it, and follows up with ALL of you. Judas, the very one who would betray Him, is sitting at that very table, and Jesus shares the wine with him as well.

We are no different than Judas. We choose daily whether to live for him, or walk without him. I doubt there is anyone on this earth that hasn’t, in some way or another, been the “kiss on Jesus face.” Just as he consciously made the choice to walk up to Jesus and kiss his cheek, we consciously make choices to break Jesus’ commands, to follow our flesh for selfish desires, or to ignore the prompting of the Spirit to do certain things. What an AMAZING picture of grace and mercy to know that although we fail Him, our Heavenly Father still shares the cup with us.

I’m reminded of one of my favorite new songs “You Love Me Anyway” by the Sidewalk Prophets. The bridge of the song is so powerful - I am the thorn in your crown, but you love me anyway. I am the sweat from your brow, but you love me anyway. I am the nail in your wrist, but you love me anyway. And I am Judas’ kiss, but you love me anyway. I am the man who yelled out from the crowd for your blood to be spilled on this earth-shaking ground. I turned away with this smile on my face and with this sin in my heart tried to bury your grace, but alone in the night I still call out to you.

As a nice little side note, Judas received 30 silver coins for a “simple” kiss. Today that would be worth about $7500.

Getting the A, Earning the F

In the exhaustion and stressfulness that comes along with finals, I had a refreshing thought and was reminded just how much a price Christ paid for us. During a time of year that so much hard work finally pays off or so little work is finally made evident, Jesus allowed me to see a little bit more of just what He did.

John and Sam are in the same class together. John spends the whole semester working and reading, and doing his best to get his work done. He reads each night before class, pays attention, taking notes during class, completes all the homework, studies for all his quizzes and tests, and works really hard on any of the projects. His hard work pays off, and John earns an A in the class. Sam, on the other hand, never opens the book, when he decides to go to class, he spends the whole period on the internet and doesn’t pay attention to the teacher. Since Sam is never there, he misses a lot of the quizzes and homework grades, and when he is there, he doesn’t have a clue of what to do. Sam’s laziness earns him and F in the class. But to the teacher’s surprise, on the last day of class, John comes in and tells the teacher that he would like to give his A to Sam and he’ll take Sam’s F.

I’ve always heard the stories that illustrate the price Christ paid when He died on the cross. Those stories about the person that didn’t do anything, the one that didn’t commit the crime, taking on the punishment for the person that did, or the little baby that was needed to die to save the rest of the world. Well my thoughts from today reminded me that Jesus wasn’t someone that did NOTHING and paid the price for us who have “committed the crimes,” but in fact He did EVERYTHING. His whole entire life was spent learning more about the Father, growing that relationship with Him, constantly praying and worshipping Him. He was committed to spreading that truth and making God’s glory known. He was exhausted from the hard work; he was left out and ridiculed for the mission he was on. So a man that did so much, gave up his life so that we in return have a “free A.” All we have to do is accept him and admit those times where we continually fail and continually fall short. We put in none of the studying time and hard work, yet we get an A…