I tend to do a lot of “searching” in my life. This searching has included dark times where I have had no idea what’s going on, and even sometimes, I have had no feelings at all. Other times, the searching is in the middle of my greatest moments where it seems I am on a mountaintop. In either situation, I spend countless hours studying different topics, writing out my emotions and prayers, and trying to grasp a deeper understanding of my Heavenly Father as I build my relationship with him.
Over the past few months, I have felt a tugging on my heart to “give up” something for God. The only reason I put those two words in quotes is because for the entire time of feeling this, I had NO idea what I was being called to remove from my life. I wasn’t sure how to describe what it was going to look like (following the lent season, fasting, etc) and I had no idea what it was going to be for (preparing my heart for something, praying for someone else, etc).
Giving something up for God can be done for so many reasons: learning scripture, praying for a person or an event, learning a spiritual discipline, etc. It can teach you a lot about God, and it can teach you a lot about yourself.
I think my past has encouraged me to keep searching for what it was that God was calling me to give up. Because I have made a promise to myself (and a few others) that I would not follow a normal fasting plan where you limit your food intake, I knew that God was leading me to another option.
Being someone that has suffered from anorexia, I don’t allow myself to participate in practices that keep me from eating when I am hungry. For a while, the idea of fasting scared me because I knew how easy it would be to fall back into my old habits. One week of fasting, to me, would be like an alcoholic walking into a bar, sitting at the bar, and having the bartender place the alcoholics choice drink right under their nose. It would be almost impossible to not give the drink one taste, and once you have that taste, it’s almost impossible to walk away. I know I couldn’t walk away from the feeling of accomplishment after one week of control, after one week of results, and after one week of feeling the way I did for so long. Not at this point in my life, at least. (I DO know that God can give me the power to do that, but that’s for another post and another time.)
Knowing that I couldn’t fast based on normal practices, I kept praying and searching for something that would be meaningful to me, challenge me, and allow me to grow in my relationship with Christ.
The answer to WHY I would be fasting came to me before the answer of what I would be fasting from. On Feb 28, I felt God calling me to participate in a mission trip to Moldova. Although fasting will strengthen my faith in Christ and allow me to rely on Him, it will most importantly prepare my heart to serve Him in something I KNOW I can’t do on my own.
I HEARD God telling me to go on this trip, and I immediately knew that was why I had also felt God calling me to give up something. But over the past month, I have been searching and praying for what God would have me to fast from, and I just couldn’t seem to grasp what He was trying to tell me (**Even though what I eventually realized He was asking me to let go of is in my EVERYDAY life**)
My little sister-in-law and her best friend (both going on the trip as well) will be fasting from sweets until we leave for the trip. And that would have definitely been a great option for me as well. Each time I craved a sweet snack, I would focus my attention on praying for our upcoming mission trip and spending some time with my Father. But it just didn’t seem like the thing God was calling me to give up.
Tonight, on my way home from our Uptown studio, a clunker of a car pulled out in front of me. I had a clear, green light and was heading straight through, and they were (supposed to be) waiting to turn right at a red light. Rather than pulling into the right lane, or even waiting for me to go through the light, they pulled out anyways…in my lane…going no more than FIFTEEN miles an hour.
I angrily tapped my horn twice before whipping past them and screeching back in to the left lane, all the while grumbling under my breath.
As soon as I came to a stop at the next intersection’s red light, I was overcome with guilt and remorse for my sinful attitude that I so easily allow to take over my actions. And honestly, this was not the first time this has happened over the past few months. God has been using my road rage to convict me of a serious need for an attitude adjustment. Over those months, I have found myself turning my grumbles during a temper-tooting tantrum into repetitive prayers asking the Lord to forgive me and to calm my anger down.
It was like a light went off tonight. “GIVE IT UP, CARRIE. JUST GIVE IT UP AND LET GO.”
God was simply asking me to give up being so angry. Give up flying off the handle when I get frustrated because someone is walking to slowly in front of me at the grocery store. Give up fuming over decisions and actions in someone else’s life. Give up nagging at my husband over things I could do myself. I no longer want to be a Nelly Negative, not for a day, a moment, or even a second.
So this season of fasting (over the next 70 days, until we leave for Moldova on June 9th) might not leave me 10 pounds lighter, as it would have had I given up sweets or fasted from food. But I’m thinking I might FEEL 10 pounds lighter as the weight of being an angry person leaves my shoulders. I’m also thinking after 70 days, it might just be a new lifestyle!
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