Jesus Makes Me Brave - #BryleighSays

One thing I will FOREVER be grateful through our journey is the massive amount of love, support, and encouragement we have received from friends and family (not to mention lots and lots of prayer).  After my last post on Facebook asking for some prayers for Bryleigh, people have been asking how the babes are doing, so I thought I'd take a little time to update on both of them here.

BRYLEIGH GIRL: We've been on this journey for a little over three years - watching as things happened with Bryleigh that we knew weren't normal, but not really putting all the pieces together and knowing how to help her until MUCH later.  We've got a pretty good handle on her diet (praise the Lord!) now that we have had an actual test tell us things that her body just can not tolerate.  After being off of those 10 things for a solid year, any time she gets even the smallest amount, even by accident, she usually ends up throwing up for about 12 hours.  She's extremely sensitive to her allergens now, but we are thankful for how well we know we can manage her diet, and that SHE takes ownership over what she can and can't have. Cleaning up her diet and adding some supplements to help heal her digestive tract have made a HUGE difference on her quality of life.  When she does get a flare up now, we can usually pinpoint what caused it, and we have all the tools we need to help get it taken care of (QUICKLY!).

We are SO very thankful that God led us to Dr. Heather and the answers she has helped us get. We are thankful to be in a completely different place than we were this time last year and that she is not in as much physical pain as she was for so long.  With that being said, she's got some pretty crazy sensory issues that she deals with - like changing clothes between the seasons over the last year - as well as anxiety, leading to night terrors and now panic attacks.  All of these things we are trying to calmly and patiently work through with her, both as a normal 4 year old and as a chiropractic patient with a history of some pretty yucky stuff. Dr. Heather has been so great at answering our questions and continually working with us to find things that work for our B-Girl. Bryleigh tells us almost daily things that she is going to do that we know she is fearful of, but she always finishes with, "But I can do it because Jesus makes me brave." Yes He does, baby girl! Yes He does!!

Wearing shorts and a t-shirt these days is a huge praise!
Even if they don't match, and have a fur vest added!!

WILD MAN WILL: Sometimes it feels like we are watching Will grow up with our breath held just waiting for something to happen...and with good reason as he's showed most every sign that Bryleigh did, and most of the time in more severe ways and at earlier ages.  Just like Bryleigh started to fall off her growth chart at one year, Will has started to slow down on his growth as well.  Foods that Bryleigh had severe reactions to, Will has reacted to in even smaller amounts. Signs of digestive issues that showed up in Bryleigh at 2, showed up in Will at birth.  Will had the added bonus of feeding issues (PTL for his growth in this area!!) and problems stemming from his circumcision that are still not correct.

We get the question all the time, "So does Will have what Bryleigh has?" And what a question that is considering we still don't really know WHAT Bryleigh has.  We have some answers to different things (-we have all the answers we need to truly help her at this time-), but we don't have a NAME for what has gone on and what to look for in Will or in both of them as they get older.  But the easiest answer is: Yes.  Will faces the same difficulties that Bryleigh does in digesting his food, among other things we see in them.  We just introduced green grapes to him this week, as Bryleigh is allergic to red ones and hasn't had a single grape since long before her diagnosis (we KNEW that this was a huge culprit of her issues without a single test).  Almost immediately, Will began to have strong reactions to the grapes, and it brought a lot of flashbacks to what life was like with Bryleigh when we had no answers.

This little "Cheese" face is my favorite thing he does!

WHY TODAY IS DIFFERENT: But we have answers.  We KNOW this time around what is causing reactions in Will as it is happening. We know what to do and how to help him when he does have these flare ups and reactions.  For the longest time I feared more than anything the day that would come that let me know Will is going to fight the same battles his sister did/does, but that day happened on Wednesday of this week (with a few other confirmations along the way) and after a mild pity-party for myself, I realized life is NOTHING like it was when we were at this place with Bryleigh.  In those days, I was full of despair.  I wanted God to fix it, immediately.  I wanted every single answer that I could possibly have regarding my child's body, and I wanted it as fast as I could get it. I felt like I was fighting the battle all (or mostly) alone.  And without knowing it, I didn't fully trust God with my life, or (especially) with my children's lives.

I have learned so much over the past few years.  I have seen the promises of God stand true, and I have seen how faithful He is to our family in every single need.  I have learned to pray for what brings Him glory and to thank Him for every piece of our journey, no matter how difficult it may seem.

PRAYERS MOVING FORWARD: You, our friends and family, have been SO faithful to pray with us and for us, and we are so grateful for that.  People are always asking how they can be praying so I wanted to share that as well.  For Bryleigh - prayers for peaceful sleep each and every night.  Prayers that she would learn to share with us what she is feeling so that we can help her work through those feelings.  Prayers for us to have wisdom to know what is just 4-year-old growing pains and what stems more from her body and how she is made/what she has experienced in her little life.  For William -  our most pressing need is healing for his body from this current flare up.  They're extremely painful and uncomfortable, so the sooner it's over, the better.  Prayers as we decide when to give him the same test Bryleigh had so we can best know what foods he needs to eliminate as well.  Prayers for the issue Will has had from his circumcision to improve with the current medicine and guidance/wisdom on next steps if this round doesn't work. My prayer, above all, is that we would honor and glorify God with each step we take, teaching Bryleigh and Will how much God loves them as His children.

To the allergy momma - One Year Later

One year ago today I got a nice little list of 10 things that had wreaked havoc on my baby girl’s body - some of them daily, some of them from the moment she had been born. You could say it’s been a year of LOTS of learning.  I remember sitting there in the doctor's office thinking, "This isn't THAT big of a deal. It's only ten. It could have been worse." And then reality set in of how BIG some of those 10 are. Every single one has snuck in on us in one way or another over the last year, but as our doctor said yesterday, "Ignorance is not always bliss."

Our little Allergy Warrior has AMAZED us this year!

To the new allergy momma,

Take a deep breath. The days and weeks to come are gonna be rough. But you’re gonna make it. You will survive this and come out stronger. You WILL get the hang of this new life and learn how to be the fiercest advocate your child needs.

But hold on tight, there are tireless days ahead. LONG trips to the grocery store.  Expensive trips to the grocery store. And a lot of wasted “tries” at finding “replacements.” There will be frustrations as you slip up and watch your child have that dreaded reaction because you missed something and the guilt will be almost unbearable. But that overwhelming guilt is because of your fierce love for your child.

I’ll leave you with the top 10 things I’ve learned in the last year:

1. These babes are resilient.
2. Make it all, from scratch. It’s so much easier and will give you complete piece of mind.
3. Look for yourself. Not everyone will “get it” and that’s okay...check the labels for yourself, every time. I’ll repeat that: Check the labels every time.
4. Find your tribe - shout out the Allergy Moms page on FB for being mine.
5. It’s okay to not be okay with all of this, but know it WILL eventually be okay.
6. Forgive yourself. Quickly. You’re going to mess up, so own it, take note, and move on. (I can guarantee you it won’t happen twice.)
7. Be prepared to do a LOT of dishes. (See item 2...which doesn’t even touch cross contamination.)
8. Write it all down. Think there’s a new reaction? Write it down. Have a question for the doc? Write it down. There are going to be a million things going through your head every day, you’ll never remember it all. But your Notes App will. (Which is where I typed this whole post out to begin with.)
9. Don’t look at anything else out there except what your child can eat. Research on “growing out of it,” food challenges, therapies can all wait. Get a grasp on what foods are safe first.
10. Pray. Trust God with ALL of it.  This is all a part of His story He is writing, and He can use it for His glory. #HisStoryHisGlory

Well, I couldn’t stop at 10, so here are a few *bonus* things I’ve learned.

11. Eating out is a thing of the past.
12. When you DO get the hang of things and venture out, enjoy the same restaurant 500 times in a row. 
13. You WILL cry in the middle of the grocery store. And it will take you an hour and a half to find 7 items that total $100. (Only the last part was exaggerated…by like a dollar.)
14. Just because something is “safe” today, doesn’t mean it will be “safe” tomorrow - this includes restaurants AND store bought foods.
15. It is empowering when your child starts to figure it out for themselves. Be ready, your heart might explode.

New allergy momma, I can guarantee you that it will ALL be worth it!

Our pantry before and after removing everything she couldn't eat.
(Some left on the right was for mom and dad to eat!)

One year ago this week - The day before, the day of, and the day after.
Her sweet smile helped us all and lifted our spirits.

And life today with these outside-loving besties. SUCH a joy!

I'll leave you with a quote/dedication I read in one of the new cookbooks we were given in the days following: "To all of the children whose dietary restrictions created division, isolation, or sacrifice.  May these recipes bring you comfort, inclusion, and joy in both your healthful journeys and life's many celebrations." YES! This is how we've chosen to live.

The BumpDate - Who's In Control?

People make a lot of jokes when you are pregnant...jokes about size (yours and/or the babies, your belly, your ankles...), jokes about genders, jokes about eating habits...but one of those "jokes" is about who's in control.

Over the past two months (and probably longer), I've heard countless people talk about how WILL is in control.  It's Will's fault I was so sick in the beginning, it's Will's fault I was in/am in pain at different times, and it's Will's fault that I went in to pre-term labor (<< that's the big one...).

If we're being honest...that is NOT true.  Will is just hanging out in there, and he may or may not want to come out.  Will hasn't been causing contractions, that would be my body.  Will hasn't been causing all of the pain and discomfort, that would be my body (and a little bit of my first born...)  Will didn't cause all of the nausea and vomiting (and neither did my first born), that would be my body and it's inability to take on any extra hormones.

But beyond that...beyond my body actually being at fault for those things, IT'S ALL GOD'S DOING.  He has this plan, and in His plan was preterm labor for our little guy at 31 weeks, it was for weeks in the hospital, weeks at home on bed rest, a second trip to the hospital, and a lot of close calls in between. It was His plan for us to face a possible preemie, to now facing "stalled labor."  Every bit of this has been within God's control, NOT Will's, and it has all been part of His plan.  None of this has come as one bit of a surprise to Him.

From the beginning of this pregnancy, I hoped for an "early" delivery - I was thinking 37ish weeks would be great considering Bryleigh had been such a big baby (that we were clueless about) and such a difficult delivery/recovery.  I wanted SO bad to have a little bit smaller baby so that the delivery process was a little easier and that the recovery process would be more manageable - I have a lively, lovable almost three year old that I don't want to miss out on one single second of her life (especially right here at the holidays), and I pictured myself after her birth and KNEW I wouldn't be able to do much with her if things go similarly - and it TERRIFIES me.

Although I hoped for an earlier delivery, I never hoped (or dreamed) we'd be so close to meeting our son at such a tiny size, and I will be forever grateful that God spared us from taking that journey.  Since that first day in labor & delivery, hooked up to all kinds of machines and medicines to intervene and make sure we were both healthy, it has been a constant battle of trusting God completely and clinging to every ounce of control I still could.

I have played out countless scenarios of "good" and "bad" birthdays for Will along the way, what would be convenient for us, what would be fun for us, and what would be special days (i.e. - my grandparents 75th wedding anniversary fell on November 5th of this year...and their last name just happens to be where I first got "William" from).  I am bad about that sort of thing though, playing out scenarios and planning things for God, as if I could have better plans than He does.

As I sat in the hospital room last week, angry at God that he hadn't listened to any of my plans, or apparently, any of my fears, I spent a lot of time crying, or worrying, or both.  Those were honestly some of the toughest, darkest days of this whole journey because I felt like any control I had was slipping through my hands, and I just couldn't see how all of this was going to work out.  (I'll update a little more on that in the final BumpDate blog.)  As much as I have said/can say I trust in the Lord with all of this, it's a lot harder to actually DO the trusting, the letting go, the no more planning.

For the last year, after finishing up the Kendrick Brothers', The Battle Plan for Prayer, I learned a whole new way of praying - GOD'S GLORY.  We aren't to pray for the things we want, but instead we should pray for what brings God the most glory.  I have done really well at this at some times...and other times I've fallen flat on my face and been as selfish as my precious toddler, telling God exactly what I want, and that I want it NOW. (As Bryleigh says, "I need that right now.")  And I hate to admit that the majority of this journey has been me whining and bargaining for my desires, forgetting that the goal is for what brings God the most glory.  (After finishing the book and processing all I had read, I began referring to it as "His story. His glory."  All of this life, it's ultimately for HIS story, not my own, and I want every bit of it to bring Him the most glory.)

So at this point, considering Will is still not here, and we haven't gone through the whole birth and recovery process, I don't really know the end of this story.  And honestly, I might not ever really know the point of these days since October 4th, but one thing I know is that from this point on, I am focused on praying for God's will in my life and whatever brings Him the most glory.

So What's Your Apple?

"When we bought the Enemy's lie in the beginning and ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, Satan hissed then that we'd really see and know what is good and evil.  But the Father of Lies, he'd duped us in the whole nine yards.  Though we ate of that tree, we did not become like God."  

--Devotion 52, Storm Grace from Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts Devotional"

And there it is.  From the beginning of time, Satan has been dangling our greatest cravings and addictions in front of us, showing us how good they taste, how good they feel, and then dropping it at our feet for us to devour.  He's been lying to us to inflate our egos, to build up our selfishness and pride, and enhance our jealousies.  (I could go on here, but I'll just leave you with the first three that came to mind.)

Satan never REALLY gives us what we want, though.  That is it.  That is THE point of all of this.

When God created us, He had a plan for His greatest creation, and that was to "be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1:28)," taking care of the land and everything in it that He also created.  Not only that, but He provided for our every need.  He gave us EVERYTHING, but still, Eve wanted more...we want(ed) more.  She looked on her Creator and wanted everything He had, including the knowledge of good and evil.  And Satan found his in.

Genesis 2, verses 16 and 17 says, "And the Lord God commanded the man saying, 'You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.'"

Satan makes Eve question God, asking her if God actually said they couldn't eat of any tree, pointing out that she might be missing out on something good.  (Really?! Like Satan has something BETTER to offer us than THE KING OF KINGS?!)  If you can eat of some, why can't you eat the rest?  And then he comes in for "The Kill" when he says, "You will not surely die.  For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing Good and Evil (Genesis 3:4-5)."  Bingo.  He hit her right in her weakest spot, just like he likes to hit us in our weakest spots.

So Eve ate it.  She took the bait and took a bite.

Being someone that is a discretional eater (some might call this "picky"), I have not had a wide variety of fruit in my day, but I can say I've had the BEST strawberries in the world.  Fresh strawberries from Moldova will literally MELT. IN. YOUR. MOUTH.  Even as good as those were, and imagining what fruit MUST have tasted like in that Garden all those years ago, I can not fathom that the apple tasted good enough to face all that came after.

And what was Eve left with after that one tasty bite?  Pain, embarrassment, separation from God...  Once again, I could go on here, but we can keep it short and assume one thing, Eve was NOT satisfied after eating that fruit, not from the taste, and certainly not from what was promised to her.  She did not get what she wanted, nor did she get what she thought she would.

That's how Satan fights.  HE gets what HE wants when we fall into his traps and temptations, believing what he has to offer us is good and fulfilling.  He is satisfied when we feed our addictions, when we try to satisfy our cravings, when we become prideful and arrogant, when we operate from our selfish desires, and when we react to the jealousy we have burning in our hearts.

I've got a lot of apples that Satan likes to dangle in front of my face.  He makes them look enticing and juicy with all kinds of promise that can come from one bite, and each time I take a bite, I'm left less satisfied than before.

"But I have come..."  We aren't left to wallow in our sin or fight pointless battles that we will never win against the King of Deceit.  We have a Savior who came to give us life, and not just life, but ABUNDANT life.  All those empty promises that the Father of Lies dangles in front of us can't even compare to the life God has in store for us.

We have to learn to correct our focus.  When the devil dangles your apple of choice in front of you, you have shift your focus so that you can see what he is really offering you.  (Like getting that one last dig in to your husband in your latest argument is going to leave you feeling satisfied and empowered, it's going to leave you feeling disconnected and full of regret.)  We have to shift our focus to the true gifts of the Father and the abundant life that He offers us.  I'm pretty sure we'll be amazed with the orchards full of delicious apples He has for us!

When God says "Get Up!"

After our day at Cook's Children's Hospital in Fort Worth and following so many sweet families back home whose little one's are battling cancer, my heart was OVERWHELMED!  Add to that the uncertainty of what is going on with Bryleigh, and all I found myself doing yesterday was praying.  I prayed for those families and their children, for healing and for peace.  I prayed for the lives of the faces we saw during our time at Cook's, that they would know the love of Jesus and that they would feel comforted.  I prayed and let God know that in it all, I trust him, just as I did 3 months ago during our miscarriage.  I prayed and let Him know that I was not fearful about what is coming and asked Him to continue to give me peace so that I wouldn't fear anything.

It was one of those day where I just wrestled with it all.  I was overwhelmingly thankful for Bryleigh's life and each and every day we've had with her, the good and the hard.  I was exhausted...and so was she, so I was thankful when she went down easy {and early} thinking I would follow her shortly.  But I had so much trouble going to sleep, so I just kept praying as I had done all day long.

I had been asleep about 30 minutes when Bryleigh cried out for the first time around 1:30 am.  It was different than she normally does, so I wasn't sure what was going on, but I continued to watch her on the monitor, and before long I could tell she wasn't going back down on her own, so I went in and got her.

As soon as I opened the door, I knew why she was awake.  She had a bad diaper.  I got her all fixed back up and brought her to lay down with me for a little while as we normally do when she wakes up during the night.

Once she dozed off, I took her back to her bed and then crawled back under the covers.  But my mind was racing again, thoughts all over the place, and all I could do was pray.  I turned on some of my current favorite worship tunes and just listened to the words.

At some point, I started to hear God say, "Get up."  Of course I went through all the arguments, "It's just me I'm hearing," "That's not really Him," "I'll wait until the end of this song..."  But at the end of the song, I heard it again.  So I did.  I got up.   I got my Bible Study stuff out and I sat down to spend some time in his word at 3:00 in the morning.

I wasn't sure what I was UP for, but I knew He had said to do it, so I did.  And then almost at the end of today's blog post for She Read's Truth, I saw it:

"Sister, as we read and receive this Truth, may I repeat Peter’s words to you today?  Get up.  Get up, because the Good News is alive in you, pumping through your veins, awakening each breath, and calling you to sit up in the sovereign Hands of Truth."

I mean WOW.  That is NO coincidence.  The Creator of the Universe took His precious time to let me, a complete mess of a sinner, feel His presence and know that He cares about me by simply asking me to "Get Up," and then challenging me with those very words during my {very early} quiet time with Him.  What an encouragement that was...enough to get me through an extremely short night considering Bryleigh woke up again with a second bad diaper at 5:00 in the morning and she never went back to sleep.

He always gives us exactly what we need for the very moment we are in, even if that is encouragement at 3:00 in the morning.  I am thankful for a Heavenly Father that pursues me in such a way.

Our Bible Study Basket

This year, for Mother's Day, I had the opportunity to up my game in getting physically fit.  My husband was hinting with lots of questions about getting me something I've been wanting for a while...a FitBit.  It's on my "Wish List" board on Pinterest, I've stalked their website doing all kinds of research, and I've thought long and hard about how it would/could make a difference for me in continuing my journey to getting even healthier.

The more I thought about it though, the more I knew I needed to let him know what I really wanted...a basket.  It's not glamorous, or tech savy, or even pink with sparkles. {Last years Mother's Day present was pink, sparkly, AND glamorous...}  But I can guarantee you that it is a gift I will ALWAYS remember.

I messaged Brad the "list" of what I wanted for my Bible Study basket based on some different things I'd seen on different internet sites and social media.  His response back was, "You want pens and highlighters for mother's day? LoL"  {And he'll be the first second to say I always get what I want.  Mom would probably say it first.}  So technically, I ended up convincing him to go along with it by calling it a "Shopping Trip."  I mean, what momma doesn't want to just SHOP!?  And I always love fun time with my family!

"Show me your nose, Bryleigh" ...such a little lady!

This is something that I've been working on/putting together, organizing, and reorganizing for years and I am so pleased with how it all {FINALLY} turned out.

So what's in the basket, right?  What's shown above is what we got on our shopping spree for Mother's Day, including a super cute new Rangers shirt for our next trip to the ball park {which has absolutely nothing to do with the basket and its purpose} ;)  It also includes mason jars, pens and highlighters, some craft sticks, journals, date stamp, and a few books that have been on my Wish List.

We'll be using the craft sticks and two of the mason jars for Bryleigh's prayers each night.  Each stick has a different family member's name on it, so she'll draw one out, pray for them, and then drop it in the second jar.  I love getting her involved in doing things like this, and it's NEVER to early to start prayer habits, especially praying for others!

- Our FIRST night to use the sticks -
We prayed for Uncle Steve and Aunt Renee's family.

The second two mason jars have all of the pens (including Sharpie fine point markers *FAVES*) and highlighters to use during my bible studies each day (based on the GoodMorningGirls guide to Bible Study).  I got two new composition journals, one for journaling my daily gifts (#1000gifts) and the second for taking notes during my bible studies (@amyhale's instagram is my inspiration for this part).  I also got a date stamp to use both in my journals and in our family bible.  {We'll be using a journaling bible to stamp the date and add notes to passages that mean something to our family in the future.}

I have put together a Prayer and Bible Study journal that has all of the things I've found online over the past few years to encourage a deeper prayer time and more in-depth bible study.  I've tried this a few times before, but this is my favorite way to-date, and the one I will probably stick with for a while.

Included in the notebook are 5 different sections: Self Evaluation, Preparation, Bible Study, Prayer, and BSF Notes.

Self Evaluation
This section contains the verse I have selected for 2015, and it will also have my life's Mission Statement once I've completed it.  I'm praying through that right now and will add it to the blog once I've got it finished.  I am excited to be able to pray through my Mission Statement each day and recall what the Lord has set me on this earth for.  We each have a purpose, and we must be intentional in living it out!

Prepare
I've learned that before opening your bible, it's good to prepare your heart.  Open your hands to what the Lord has for you, clear your mind, and some days you may even need to clean up your heart.  I used a post from Amy Hale's Instagram regarding how to pray before, during, and after our bible study (from "Women in the Word," which is at the top of my "To Read" list).  She also posted a template for confession from the :IFGathering she was a part of.  Both of these have a few tweaks on my part to make them a little more personal for me.

Bible Study
Under the "Bible Study" section, I have a few different tools I use to help deepen my understanding and get me involved with what I am reading.  The first tool is the Good Morning Girl's "Bible Study Highlighting Guide."  This allows you to view passages in your bible from a broader standpoint and gives you a guide to follow throughout your entire bible.  This helps you to categorize what you are reading to help with a deeper understanding of the passage.  Another way to develop a deeper understanding of the passage is to answer some different questions.  I have used both the SOAP method (also from Good Morning Girls) and the 7 Arrows method (which I love!). Both of these get you involved with the scripture, leading you to take action as opposed to just reading the verses.

Prayer
This section is one that I have been working on and refining for quite some time.  I've used various methods for prayer journals and done a few different bible studies to grow in my prayer life, and this is the culmination of what I have found to work for me personally.  The first part is just an overview with some of my favorite quotes and verses regarding prayer as well as two acronyms that I saw in a lot of my studying - ACTS and CHAT.  The second part is from Beth Moore's "Whispers of Hope" devotional book that teaches you how to pray based on the acronym PRAISE.  By the end of the study, and still to this day, my prayers are filled with "Thank your Lord..." as opposed to "Give me Lord."  It definitely challenged me and revolutionized the way I pray!  The final page expands on one of the letters in the PRAISE Guide - I, for Intercession.  I have worked and reworked my guide for daily/weekly prayer and this list is the one that I have found to be most inclusive and works best for my personal prayer life.

BSF Notes
The final section I have in my notebook is personal for me, but it is set up for all of my notes and ASKs for a weekly bible study I attend throughout the year called BSF.  This is where I will keep my weekly notes as well as the weekly prayer requests for the group of ladies I meet with each week.

**If you would like help creating your own Prayer and Bible Study Notebook, Family Bible Study Basket, or you would like PDF Files of the ones I have shown above to create your notebook, please email me at carriehammons@ymail.com or comment below with your email address.**

A Perfect Love, Our Valentine

There's a popular hashtag on Instagram that I see a lot of people I follow posting: #WIDN.  It stands for What I'm Doing Now.  

The premise is that you are challenged by one of your followers to take a quick snapshot right where you are and tell your followers what you are doing, and then you challenge a few of your friends to do the same and keep the challenge moving.  {Obviously some people cheat and don't post until they make things look a little more glamorous!}

This simple hashtag along with the daily lessons that Jesus teaches me through being a mommy got me thinking, "Why not do a #WILN - What I'm Learning Now?" I've always been able to take life's circumstances and see things He was trying to teach me, but never more so than I do these days.

I've technically already shared my first one when I blogged about Bows and Boots and how God was teaching me to "Let it GO!"  There's no way I'll be able to remember all of the lessons He's been teaching me, but I thought I'd start today and share the one I learned this week.

In preparing for and thinking about Valentine's Day, I was thinking about LOVE.  Brad and I had fun last year as new parents celebrating with our tiny Valentine and starting a new tradition - a pizza date with our family (which we'll be doing again tonight).  Valentine's Day isn't just about romantic love.  To me it's just about LOVE and telling those special people in your life how much you love them.

I'll never forget the Valentine's before I met Brad.  I was living in an apartment with my brother and I didn't really know anyone my age (I was a hermit).  I was LONELY.  I came home from work/class to an empty apartment because my brother was spending Valentine's night with his fiancé Candice.  But what I found when I walked in to my room took my breath away.  My brother had a stuffed puppy, balloon, m&m's, and a card set up on my desk.  It was such a simple gesture on his part, but it meant so much to me.  In a time where I found little worth in myself, I felt so loved and treasured.

That day changed my view on Valentine's forever.  It's not just about me and Brad, it's a special day to celebrate our love for each other and for our family.  And let me tell you, I love Bryleigh...a LOT, like more than my heart can bear sometimes, and more than I can really put in to words.

As I sat and thought about my love for Bryleigh this morning, the thought hit me.  As much as I love her, I will never love her perfectly.  I will never get it all right.  I'll make mistakes, I'll give her not-so-great advice at some point, I'll raise my voice and talk to her in a way that I should not, I'll discipline her out of anger and not out of love.  As much as I love her, I can't love her perfectly.

I can't love her the way God loves her.  We can't love one another the way God loves us.  (I'm not saying it's not something to strive for each and every day...my daily prayer for the past year has been to love as God loves.)  He loves us so perfectly.  He loves us with a knowledge of the past, present, and future.  Each time His hand is on our lives, it is in such a perfect way.  He gets it right 100% of the time.  He doesn't make mistakes, He gives us the best advice each and every time, He never treats us with disrespect, He disciplines us out of love and not out of anger.  He loves us perfectly.

So why don't I trust Him more?  That perfect love and that ultimate sacrifice means He ALWAYS has my best interest at heart.

We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters. (1 John 3:16 NLT)

Bows and Boots - Learning to Let Go!

This blog should more appropriately be titled "Bows, Boots, and Boobs - Learning to Let Go," but I didn't think some people would appreciate that popping up on their Social Media sites.  {You're welcome Dad!}

I'm finishing up my first year of motherhood, and just as I expected, I've learned so much.  One of the biggest lessons I've learned is to just LET GO! {Cue Idina Menzel and the 10 year old girls' anthem everywhere...Let it go, Let it go!}  I feel like learning this sooner in motherhood is better than stressing for months, or even years before "getting it," and I know there are some moms that probably never get it.

I had intentions, expectations, dreams...whatever you want to call it, I had PLANS for what motherhood would look like.  I had PLANS for how this past year would go, what family pictures would look like, how I would take care of my baby, and how our time together would be spent.

The Boobs
Brad and I went to a class before Bryleigh was born.  We made all the effort (and financial investment) in the world to make breastfeeding work, but almost instantly, we were fighting an uphill battle.  We had lactation consultants in the room with us every 2 hours for at least an hour at a time the entire 72+ hours we were in the hospital.  But no matter how hard we tried, Bryleigh just wasn't going to be a breast fed baby.

Even after coming home from the hospital, we would sit in the rocking chair in her room, just the two of us, and give it every shot we could...but we would both end up in tears.  At the first post-hospital doctor's appointment, I knew we had to make some adjustments when her weight had dropped significantly and we were asked to come back again the following day for another weigh-in.  My baby's HEALTH was far more important than my pride in saying I exclusively breastfed my baby for the first year of her life.

I ended up on a pumping/feeding schedule, and before too long, I wasn't producing enough to keep up with even half of Bryleigh's needs.

I was only able to give Bryleigh breast milk for the first 3 weeks.  It's something I still have a hard time with, and it's something I still get a little angry with God about. I WANTED that experience.  I wanted to be able to have that bond with my baby.  My PLAN was to breastfeed my baby for the first year of her life...no pumping, no bottles, and no formula.

But you know what I wanted even more...to HAVE a baby, and God answered that prayer so faithfully and right on time.  Realizing that He had answered such a huge prayer allowed me to let go of the things I felt like I was missing out on.  I've learned over the years that sometimes He takes away things we are grasping on to in order to fill our hands with something better, so I just have to trust Him when He takes something away or closes a door.

The Boots
Bryleigh has worn shoes a handful of times in her entire 11 months.  When she was first born, she had the tiniest feet.  At 6 months she could still fit in newborn shoes.  It was always hard to find shoes that fit right because they seemed to be too long, but still wouldn't stay on for some reason.

Well in the past few weeks I have finally learned what's going on...Bryleigh has fat feet.  Like SERIOUSLY fat feet.  She has short, wide feet, and they don't make those cute furry boots or sparkly Mary Jane's for short, fat feet.

Bryleigh's foot is a size 3, but I have to get a size 4 because of the width, and even then, they don't actually stay on.

So you know what, I gave up.  I'm letting go, and when she starts walking, we'll find a pair (albeit EXPENSIVE) to make sure she's supported the way she needs to be, but until then...I'm just not going to worry about it.

The first purchase I made for "Baby H" was a pair of Tom's-look-a-likes that were sparkly gold and pink leopard print, and we didn't even know we were having a girl yet! I was so excited about little tiny shoes.  I wanted a different pair for every outfit with special shoes for special occasions.  I never dreamed of taking her out of the house, to the nursery at church, or having family pictures made without her having shoes on, but I don't think we have a single family picture of her in shoes, and she may have worn shoes to the nursery on 2 occasions...and you all know we leave the house EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. without shoes on...and some days, she doesn't even have on socks!

But just like breastfeeding, I have learned to let go of my expectations for what I pictured Bryleigh's sweet and picture perfect little life to be like and just go with the flow.  I'm not about to make that baby girl cry over something like a pair of shoes!

The Bows
I'm pretty sure the moment a mom finds out that little one growing in her belly is a girl, she starts planning all of the outfits with coordinating bows.  I had family pictures and holiday outfits planned from here until she graduated from college...maybe even her wedding if we're being totally honest.

"You're never fully dressed until you have a coordinating frilly, fuzzy bow."

But you know what started happening about a month ago?  Bryleigh started pulling her bows out.  The second I put a bow or headband on, her hand went straight up and pulled it out, messing up her perfectly fixed hair at the same time.

So we just finished her first holiday's - Thanksgiving and Christmas - and I'm pretty sure we don't have one single picture with a bow on top of her head.  And you know what?  I'm okay with that, because I've learned to just LET GO! (PS. She's still getting a custom bow holder for her 1st birthday, and I'll continue to try and make her wear bows until she's at least 16.)

I know this is a lesson I'll learn many times over, and I'm sure some of you will have to remind me to let some things go in the future, but for now...I'm thankful that it's a lesson I've learned and that I'm able to focus more on enjoying the here and now and not stressing about what could have been, how I really wanted things to go, or what other mom's consider to be "good enough."