A Break Up Letter

March is Endometriosis awareness month, a disorder that affects approximately 1 out of every 10 women in the United States. For me, however, I’m aware of it every single day of every single month, and I have been for the last 20 years (although, that’s REALLY weird to say).  I’m raising awareness this month by sharing my story in a unique way - a breakup letter to my uterus and her friends. For most women with severe endometriosis, the best treatment to take care of the disorder is to have a hysterectomy. That has been my reality since 2007, before I was even married or had kids. It was on my plan for any emergency c-sections I might have had (Praise the Lord for His plans!!), and it’s now the top priority for me from my doctor.

Endometriosis is a condition that happens when tissue similar to the lining of a woman’s uterus grows outside of the uterus. Lack of education and awareness is a big reason endometriosis goes undetected and undiagnosed.

Dear Uterus and Friends,

It’s not me, it’s definitely you, and it’s time we officially break up.  While you have carried three precious babies, and I will always be grateful for that, you have played a role in some of the darkest days of my life - both directly and indirectly. Please don’t pretend to be blindsided. You’ve been wreaking havoc since I was 15. If you need a little help remembering, we can take a trip down memory lane...

The first time you and your pals ever reared your ugly head, I was 15 years old and I didn’t have a clue what was going on, other than the fact I was in excruciating pain in my abdomen. I remember one of the worst days, one of my best guy friends carried me out of the school to my car and my best girlfriend drove me home where I ended up on my couch, almost paralyzed for hours.

The days surrounding that time are a blur. I remember lots of fun days with friends, but I also remember so much turmoil. I remember so much pain and uncertainty. Our initial doctors’ appointments led to a depression questionnaire- and there it was... physical pain unexplained manifested to a mental health crisis and I learned to keep my feelings to myself. (Slammed with 375 mg of an antidepressant a day, where the normal average was 75...but that’s a story for another day and another letter.)

You made me question everything. There were days I outright thought I was crazy, until another flare up ramped up, and I remembered all too well how intense the pain could get.

Two doctors, several specialists, multiple scans, trips outside of my hometown of Sulphur Springs, and a gynecologist later...I finally found myself in the office of a new doctor, a man that would begin to pave the way for some answers for us and a plan! He's been with us for almost every single plot twist you sent our way.

6 years from our first round together, I finally had a name for the torment you were causing in my life - ENDOMETRIOSIS. A laparoscopic procedure in the summer of 2007 revealed I had endometriosis that had taken up residence with you and your surrounding friends. I believed we’d have the surgery, follow the protocol, and be on our way to healing, coming back to you later when we could use you to grow a baby!

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

You never did act right. And this was the first time I saw just how much you refused to do what you were supposed to, even with medical help to ensure you would! After a successful surgery and standard recovery (PRAISE!), we got ready for the Lupron injection. The injection was to stop my cycle for a period of 3 months, but you did just the opposite. A time where my body was supposed to heal and rest went into overdrive and allowed endometriosis to make its home in my body even more.

Once the injections were done, we moved on to hormonal birth control to try and tame you and your buddies, but that worked only slightly better than the shots, and I moved into a period of time I refer to as the “deal with it” period where I just lived my life and ignored you as much as I could, quietly suffering through the pain you caused on an almost daily basis.

Over the next 4 years, Brad and I graduated from college, got married, started our professional careers, and moved...a lot. But in 2011, I told Brad I was ready to redeem you a little and put you to some good use! We knew it might take some time because of all the fun you'd already caused, so after a minor freak out from Brad - I got off birth control and we started trying to grow our family.

Month after month, you and your little posse reminded us in the most ugly of ways that you were still “in charge” and had no plans of slowing down! I’d like to send you the bill for all those pregnancy tests we wasted our money (and emotions) on.

In the fall of 2012, we decided to take some steps to combat your ugly attitude and I met with a PCOS specialist who could also help with my endometriosis. I had my second surgery (August 2012) and was officially diagnosed with PCOS. The healing from that surgery was BRUTAL. It flared up all the endometriosis that was on my pelvic wall area and it took months to get me back on track. The shooting pain in my lower back began with that surgery and has never stopped since.

In September, we began to ease into the protocol for how that doctor managed PCOS and to say my body freaked out would be an understatement. The purpose of the drugs were to get you in check so that I could move forward with trying to get a baby for you to hold on to, but my body went into complete shock. I was sick for days before Brad and I decided a trip to the ER was necessary. What I thought would be a few hour stay for some IV hydration turned into some of the toughest days of this entire experience. (You and your little friends should have to endure an ABG for good measure just to see how it feels! Pretty sure you’d be nicer after that!) 28 pokes later thanks to some severe dehydration, I was admitted for further testing because my levels were critically high - acidosis was the final diagnosis, and my organs were in danger. (Of all the trouble you’ve caused...that’s still not the worst I saw from you, although it was terrifying at the time! more on those days here.)

I took myself off all of the medicine and we switched it up to Ovulation Tests to try and time things a little better. Once again, you and your mini army were all over the place and my first positive ovulation result was almost a WEEK after it should have been...but it was also our lucky charm and our sweet Bryleigh was conceived. 

You handled pregnancy 1 really well. (I did not. But that’s another story, unrelated to you, so congratulations for that.) For the first time in 13 years, YOU had to take a break and do the job you were made to do.

From 2014 when you finished your job of carrying Bryleigh, until 2019...we would go through tremendous loss together when I miscarried our second little babe. To say I was angry and done with you and your friends doesn't begin to cover it, but I held on to hope that we could be a team again. And we were! In 2016, we would work together to bring sweet William into the world... However, you were dead set on releasing him to the world WAY too early and every chance you got. A contracting uterus from 15 weeks pregnant on and preterm labor at 31 weeks is NO way to remind me you are still marching to your own beat. (You should know that the magnesium they used to calm you down was the absolute worst experience of my life, ever.) Things went almost identical in 2018/2019 when we carried Carson together, except I knew better than to trust you and took all necessary precautions to ensure he stayed put!!

So that brings us to basically present day, and while you have served your greater purpose of carrying precious little lives, and while I am eternally grateful for that opportunity and the job you did...I am officially done with you. The months since we delivered Carson have been tough, when you, your friends, and your evil counterpart - Endometriosis - have caused issues in almost every part of my body including memory loss and severe headaches,  knee and joint pain, back pain that stops me dead in my tracks, depression, anxiety, and cycles that leave me dizzy and close enough to passing out. And while I know living without you will present some of its own issues, I know my days will be far better once we go our separate ways! I can't help by look forward to the future and know that healthier days are ahead of me.

Hear me when I say, you and the damage you have done to my body are NOT a mistake. God didn’t “mess up” when He made me. He allowed your role in my life for a reason and a purpose, and He will receive the glory from my life - every single part of it. I know that every day I have endured in this serve a greater purpose for His plans for my life.  I know that every issue we have faced is one that can be used to bring Him glory. I know that I am partially who I am today because of your role God allowed in my life, and He alone will get the glory for that.

Sincerely,

Carrie Allison

For more information about Endometriosis and what is being done, read here: https://www.everydayhealth.com/endometriosis/awareness-month/

Do You Trust Me? Part 2

I have always wanted a “quiver full” of babies to raise in a godly home and shoot them out into the world to spread the love of Jesus Christ. After all, that’s what the Bible tells us to do in Psalm 127:4-5.

But we got pregnant with Bryleigh after struggling through infertility for 2 years, and I was insanely sick for 40 weeks. And then we got pregnant a second time, but I miscarried our sweet babe. Then we got pregnant with Will after another year and a half struggle, and  I went into preterm labor at 31 weeks. Not to mention both of our babes have suffered with some pretty tough health issues that I have major mom-guilt over, feeling like I “gave” it to them. ( I know I didn’t, and we praise God for how far they’ve come and how much we’ve been able to share about His love for us through that part of our journey. So much goodness.)

All of those things, and a few others, are the reason that in the MIDDLE of our pregnancy with Will, we would tell every single person (whether they asked or not) we were 100% done. Like, completely finished, never ever having another biological child.

I’m not sure when the first time God punched me in the gut with it, but I heard Him whisper, “Are you sure? Did you even ask me?” And I didn’t. We didn’t. We never once asked God if we were done. We were consultations away from permanently taking that option away. We had doctors recommendations that I physically alter my body to where that was no longer an option. And I had ZERO peace. I knew it wasn’t right. Not yet at least.

Once I wrestled with the question God asked me about checking with Him, which was an easy answer since we had not at all, I began to hear a second question, even more clearly: “Do you trust me?” Wholeheartedly yes, I absolutely do.  For months, I heard this same question. 

So then, I had the difficult task of going to Brad and saying, “Hey, you know how awful and scary and terrifying it’s all been? I don’t think we’re done yet.” Just as much as I didn’t want to relive any of the past, Brad absolutely didn’t want to watch me relive it either. He was there for the 36 hours of magnesium to keep Will in (for as many days and weeks as possible) where I puked my guts up and couldn’t even cry because it literally burned my eyes so bad... but to me, an entire day, 24 hours of it is as if it didn’t even happen because I was SO out of it (Praise God).

Thankfully, Brad knows when to take me seriously and when God has really been working. After the shock wore off, he agreed to pray and talk about it with me. We knew the decision was clear. We had to at least try. We knew God was asking us to trust Him, and our step of obedience has been to just TRY.

I’ve been blessed by God with a dreamy little side gig where I get to help beautiful brides plan their big day. I have THREE coming up in the next nine months, and because we KNOW those came from God too, we felt like we really only had a small window to “try,” but that if it was God’s will, He would do it. (Cue: I’ve seen you move, you move the mountains, and I believe I’ll see you do it again! 🎶) A two month window to be exact: July and August. Anything earlier and I’d risk being “too sick” for the early weddings, anything later and I’d risk being “too pregnant” for the third one. (Remember the whole preterm labor at 31 weeks thing?!)

Once we said yes to Him, we were all in. We were excited about the possibility and started to dream a little about what it would look like. July came and went with no pink lines, plus signs, or a digitally printed “pregnant”. 

This was it. One last month to turn our world upside down in the best possible way. But then something completely unexpected happened. On August 15, my father in law asked me to pray about going on a trip with him to Haiti. So I did. I prayed a lot. Brad was worried about a sick-pregnant me going on the trip. I just KNEW I wasn’t. But at the end of the day (actually at the end of the week...), I felt like I heard God say, “Say yes.” So I did.

But after a little bit of research, I realized I actually could absolutely NOT go if I was pregnant due to Zika risks. So, I was all in with my yes, even texted my father in law, under one condition: a negative pregnancy test.

And that’s what I got on August 21. I took it and it read “Not Pregnant,” plain as day and identical to the one I’ve seen more times than I can count. I remember telling my mom it was the least disappointed I’d ever been in a no, because the alternative meant I was headed to serve God in Haiti.  Within days, my online portal was set up and I was raising my funds to go. God moved quickly with me being almost fully funded in 24 hours. I felt like it was his affirmation of this trip.

However, a week later, I couldn’t shake this strange feeling (some might call it hyperemesis round 4). I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something was off. I could barely sleep, eat, think straight. I hadn’t even done the math on my cycle, but by the time I checked, I was a week late. 😬 8 days after that negative pregnancy test, on our last “official” day of summer, I made a quick trip to Walgreens and bought a box that held a test whose results would forever change our family... in the best way possible.  I took it as soon as I got home, and there it was: PREGNANT.

So here we are, 9 weeks later. The shock has (sort of) worn off. We have heard and seen the heart beat with big sister AND big brother in tow. It will hands down be my most favorite moment as a family of four. We made a lot of good memories as a family of two, then three, and now four, but I’m looking forward to all the ones we will make as a family of FIVE! There have also been lessons and challenges at each of those steps as well, and we know there are more to come. But we also know the God we serve is for us and He has a good plan for our family, so we can trust and follow Him whole-heartedly.

Just a little FAQ for inquiring minds:

1.  Were you trying?  I think this blog answers that question, but YES! I still feel a bit like this is our "Surprise" baby because I definitely never expected to be doing this again.

2.  How are you feeling?  Obviously the biggest fear I had, or at least one of them, was being sick for an entire 40 weeks and not being able to care for the babes God has already given me.  He has been SO gracious to me this time around and I haven't been anywhere near as sick as I was the last 3 pregnancies.  I am nauseas all day, every day, with it being much worse as the day goes on, but... I HAVEN'T THROWN UP ONE SINGLE TIME!!!  I started on diclegis, which I took with Will, and it makes a HUGE difference.  My two sickest days happened the days after I forgot my medicine.

3.  What about high-risk?  At the end of my pregnancy with Will, Dr. Harris let us know that any future pregnancies would be considered "high-risk" because of how things went with Wild Man.  We absolutely love Dr. Harris and know that we are in the best hands! After our heart-beat appointment, he let us know he was taking our entire file home with him that weekend to review everything and he'd be ready with a plan the next time we see him.  It doesn't guarantee the same thing won't happen, but we're going to do everything we can to prevent it. (I will be doing the same!!)

4.  Will you find out what you're having?  Absolutely!! We can't wait to know if we're adding a brother or sister to the mix, but we'll wait until our anatomy scan halfway through!  We've never done the 10-week blood test, so we're okay passing on it again.

5. We know how momma is feeling about the pregnancy, what about everyone else?  Obviously grandparents are super excited, but I think the MOST excited is a Big Sister!! Sweet Will has NO idea what's headed his way, but he was absolutely MESMERIZED at the sonogram!! He didn't move a muscle as he watched/listened. And B-dad, well... he's still trying to catch his breath! He's super excited, and a little shocked!

6. Are you going to do a bump tracker?  Duh.  You can't do something for the first two and NOT do it for the third! ;) But don't expect to see it on a regular basis, because...well...TWO KIDS. AND PREGNANT.  I've been doing a weekly pic, super laid back, super casual, and something I can easily do throughout the whole pregnancy!! (Currently baby is the size of a cute green olive.)

(If you're wondering why this is "Part 2," that is because I wrote "Part 1" about going to Haiti the night before I took the positive pregnancy test.  I was going to share it the next morning, but as soon as I took the test, that positive let me know I was no longer headed to Haiti.)

The Bumpdate - Round 2

The last 12 weeks...
This pregnancy...I was absolutely convinced I was about to start my period.  I was an EMOTIONAL MESS (crying non-stop, moody all the time) for a solid week with all kinds of pain and cramping, and I was MAD (infertility is a tough experience, even the second time around).

This was the same week we repeatedly got discouraging information with all of Bryleigh's health issues.  There were cancelled appointments (after my mom drove 2 hours to come help), test with no answers, and then on Thursday...normal enzymes.  That was completely opposite of what we were expecting and we were honestly devastated to be all the way back at square one.

By Thursday, I was having small waves of nausea, but I was so convinced that period was coming that I ignored ALL the signs.  That was, until my heart started racing to the point it almost beat out of my chest.  By the 3rd or 4th time it did that within an hour, I knew something was up, so I loaded myself and Bryleigh (and Bear and Raffe and Baby) in the car and headed to our local Walgreens.

There, I purchased the necessities: Recess, Cheese-its, a root beer, and a two-pack pregnancy test. After all, if it was negative, I would need some serious reinforcements.  It had been a ROUGH week, and I knew what getting one.more.negative would mean for my heart.

But it wasn't, and the waves of nausea were way too strong to be able to enjoy my "reinforcements", so they were never eaten (by me), and the nausea has not stopped since.

Our Silver Lining: Telling Daddy
I was obviously super excited to tell Brad that Bryleigh was definitely going to be a big sister, but I wasn't really sure how.  He was in North Carolina and starting his trek home, but he kept getting delayed.  I could have set something up for when he made it home, but delay after delay meant he wouldn't be home until 1:30 am, and he was pretty discouraged.  (Our rough week of Bryleigh news coupled with a tough travel day was just not fun at all!)

I decided to have him FaceTime me, and I KNEW I had the news to encourage him!!  He started the conversation with "Well...a little silver lining for you, I got upgraded to First Class on my next flight."  So I just went right to it, and told him I had some silver lining for him - and showed him the PREGNANT sign on the test.  (And I DID get it all on video!)  As we talked, laughed, and dreamed about the new baby and their sweet big sister, we decided we'd call this one Baby Silver (Silver Lining...) until we find out the gender.

I am so thankful for the timing of everything that had happened over the week.  God knew exactly when we would need our good news!!  (And we found out about this sweet little one TWO days before the 1 year mark of finding out about our sweet baby that I miscarried, but that's for another post you can read HERE!)

Easter Weekend: Telling Our Family
My parents were coming in for Easter Lunch, so I had every intention of waiting to tell them until they were there in person, but if you know anything about my husband...he's one of the most impatient people you will ever meet.  As Bryleigh and I were FaceTiming with my parents that morning, Brad came in three different times trying to get me to go ahead and tell them...so we finally did.  We had Bryleigh tell them she was going to be a BIG SISTER!

We had a little more time to prepare for Brad's parents.  They came over on Saturday night to watch Bryleigh for us while we spent the night with our small group.  Bryleigh greeted them at the door with a BIG SISTER shirt on, and once again...an impatient Brad couldn't wait for them to come INSIDE to see the shirt.  (I love how excited he gets!!)  Once everyone got inside, we FaceTimed Brad's sister and let her see Bryleigh's shirt as well.

Once we finished up Easter Lunch on Sunday with my parents, we FaceTimed with my brother and his family to share with them the big news too!

The Bumpdates...

Let's face it - another round of Hyperemesis WITH a toddler means keeping up with this bump a little differently.  No weekly chalkboards, no annoying questions that require the same answers every week, and maybe not even an every week picture. (Check out Bryleigh's 40 weeks HERE.)  We're living in survival mode over here and honestly, just enjoying life with the Big-Sister-to-be!!

Weeks 1-4: I had a crazy sense of smell (that has yet to go away...don't remember anything like this with Bryleigh), and I craved Mexican food.  I'm pretty sure we ate Rosa's three times a week!!

Weeks 5-8:  On Thursday, April 17 I was able to get the results back from my blood work, and everything looked great.  (This was our first sigh of relief after having the miscarriage and knowing what those numbers looked like.)  My favorite thing to eat became plain biscuits, and eventually biscuits with honey.  I wouldn't call it a "craving" as much as I would call it a "necessity".  The nausea and sickness was really starting to kick in at this point.  I also started having panic attacks, which I never experienced with Bryleigh.

Week 9: We had our first appointment with our favorite, Dr. Harris.  We got to see Baby Silver on the sonogram, and we also got to hear a strong healthy heartbeat (160 bpm).  I had the routine lab work done and was given a new drug to try that wasn't available during my last pregnancy.  Unfortunately, the lab work showed that I had some type of infection, so I spent the next week on antibiotics and praying many, many prayers of protection over that sweet baby.

Week 10:  We announced our sweet miracle to the world.  We had really wanted to wait until we were out of the first trimester, but based on how sick I was, we just weren't able to keep it a secret from most of the people we would be around.  I had a "Nickname Shirt" made for Bryleigh with all the names we call her, and then her NEW nickname on the back - BIG SISTER.

Weeks 11-12:  Things have kind of settled in to a routine and I know what to expect most days.  I don't remember being quite as tired during Bryleigh's pregnancy, but most days I nap while B naps.  I'm really hoping for that "second wind" to come during trimester 2!  I don't have many "cravings" and a whole lot of "aversions" - The biggest things I have NOT wanted during pregnancy have been peanut butter and chocolate together (ie. Reeses) and coffee...two of my very favorite things!

We are wrapping up the last week of the first trimester with a family vacation to San Antonio!

The Skinny on Getting Skinny

Let's be honest - that title is a little misleading because nobody really wants to "get skinny" these days, but "The Healthy on Getting Healthy" just didn't quite have the same ring to it.  In my previous post regarding my Herbalife results, I mentioned that I would share what worked for me in reaching my health and fitness goals, so here are 10 of my "Weapons for Weight Loss".

1.  Herbalife nutrition.
This is at the top of my list because it made the biggest difference for me.  I know that you don't have to have this in your plan to lose weight, but it made my life so much easier and my results came quickly.  I'm a PICKY eater, so having two and a half meals a day (out of five) already planned was a big plus for me.  Not only was using Herbalife EASY for me, it was delicious.  I have yet to try a shake I didn't like, and the Bev Mix/tea drink is seriously my favorite part of the day (nutrition wise).

I love it when my cabinet is full of GREEN!

2.  Plan ahead.
One of the best things you can do for your weight loss is to plan ahead.  I like to look at a week at a time and plan my meals for each day (building around my Herbalife nutrition plan).  This allowed me to get the groceries I would need, and I was ready each day.  The days/weeks I didn't plan were the days I "ran to Sonic for a quick burger...and fries...and soda."  This also meant planning for the meals I would be eating out.  I would take a look at the restaurant online to know what to order before hand.  Staying on track with your nutrition goals is imperative in meeting your weight loss and fitness goals.

3.  Log your nutrition.
Along the lines of planning, I would say one of my best weapons for weight loss was logging Every. Single. Bite. into MyFitnessPal Every. Single. Day.  It might seem a little obsessive, monotonous, or even tedious, but it was so worth it.  You can scan most of the foods you eat (including your fruits...) or enter in the nutrition information of your most used foods and even recipes the first time you are using them.  After those first few days, it is much easier and becomes part of your new healthy lifestyle.  Logging the information lets you know where you are for the day, will help you plan those extra meals, and gives you accountability to keep the junk out of your mouth.  {If I'm logging every bite that goes in to my mouth, I don't want to SEE the sugar or carbs go through the roof...so I just don't eat it!!}

One of the best things I did was enter a typical day for myself (pre-herbalife) to see just how bad I had been eating.  The results were shocking (and disgusting).  A year later, I can still see that information in my mind, and it encourages me to make better decisions.

I'll just point out here, that is almost TWO day's worth of EXCESS calories, almost 500 carbs, 250 grams of sugar (Oh. My. GOSH.), and about HALF of Vitamin A and C, calcium, and iron that is needed for my body.  No wonder I felt so awful ALL THE TIME.

4.  Hydrate your body.
I think it goes without saying how important it is to drink water, but since it was a huge part of my weight loss, I'm going to go ahead and add it to the list.  I could write an entire blog on all the things I've learned about hydration, but I will just say that the goal is to drink at least HALF of your body weight in ounces each day.  That amount will only replenish what your body is using.  That does not account for what you are sweating out during your workouts, or what you need to really hydrate your body.  That is why you will hear people say to drink a gallon of water each day.  (The age-old suggestion of 8 glasses a day doesn't come close for some people and their needs.  That comes out to 64 ounces a day, the amount recommended for someone that weighs 128 pounds.)

5.  Set your goals.
You have to have something to work towards.  Knowing what you want to achieve before you even gets started allows for you to measure how close you are to your goals, and it gives you the opportunity to celebrate those victories!  (Celebrating the victories should be a weapon all its own, but I'll just make a note here to plan for some rewards, whether it is a dollar a pound or various prizes as you lose different amounts, those "prizes" will give you great incentive to keep going!)  I found that when I randomly changed my goals in the middle of working to achieve one (ie. getting greedy and going for "a little bit more", almost always resulted in very unsuccessful days/weeks/months.)  Set a goal, achieve it, then go for the next one.

6.  Measure yourself.
It's not ALL about the numbers.  There are certainly non-scale victories every day in my house (NOT choosing to go get ice cream after a crazy-toddler day is definitely one of those victories), but knowing where you are starting will let you know how far you have come.  It will be obvious in pictures and the way your clothes fit, but when you hit that "plateau" and you feel like you aren't making any progress, you can break out the measuring tape and SEE that you really are moving forward!

7.  Eat protein.
Two things: Know how much you need, and eat it at every meal/snack.  I think the one thing I learned the most about over the past year is PROTEIN.  One of the first things I was taught was that in order to lose FAT, you want to keep your muscle (DUH.), which you do so by eating plenty of protein.  You'll want to reevaluate your protein needs throughout your weightless to make sure you are eating for your current body and not where you started.  Knowing your protein needs will also help in your meal planning, you'll want to be sure and spread out your protein between all five/six meals of your day.  (My beginning protein factor was 112 grams, but it is currently down to 102.)

8.  Know your No's.
For me, I shoot for No soda, no fast/fried foods, no bread, no sweets...  The best suggestion I have for this weapon is to not go too far too soon!  You {probably} can't successfully give up a lot of different things at the same time that have been an addiction or a habit for a long period of time.  Also, by phasing them out, you'll be able to tell a difference about what each item does to your body.  Some of these things you might want to give up permanently (sodas) and others you might want to enjoy in moderation (breads...I mean, I'm not about to give up the occasional bread indulgence from my favorite Italian restaurants...and yes, there is more than one).

9.  Have a reason.
It's not about being skinny.  It's not about a specific number on the scale or the tag of your shorts.  It's about so much more than that.  For some people, this weapon might cause the biggest bang of all.  Your "Why?" can be very motivating!  For me, I wanted to get healthy first for myself, so that I could feel better all around (both physically and in my self-confidence).  Second, I wanted to get healthy for my family, bot present and future.  My husband and my daughter deserve the very best of me, full of energy and life.  I want to be able to be active with my daughter for years to come, and I want to feel well enough to serve my family as they need me.

10.  Enjoy the treats.
I don't call these "cheat" meals.  You can wreck a week's worth of work with one cheat meal, and there are just certain things you don't need in your body, ever, cheating or not.  That's cheating yourself.  Now TREATING yourself, that's another story.  Find things that you love, but that you really only need in moderation:  maybe it's pancakes for breakfast, or s'mores for dessert, or some Fro Yo with your family.  You don't have to go overboard, and you don't have to wake up the next morning mad at yourself.  (You could use the "treats" with your "prizes" I mentioned in number 5.  Set your goal of 5 pounds and take yourself out for some frozen yogurt once you hit that milestone!  I can assure you that yogurt will taste better than you ever remembered.)

And a bonus weapon for you - Know your body.  It's important to know what works for you and what doesn't (I always GAINED weight when I added running, but lost when I added walking).  Know what causes "issues" for you.  I have certain foods that trigger some tummy troubles and knowing what those foods are (and eliminating them) definitely helps me feel better...and feeling better keeps me on track!  I also have triggers that lead me towards "falling off the wagon," so I try and just avoid those all together. (Can we talk about the fact that I can't just eat one Reeses?? They are NOT satisfying.)  And maybe more important than anything is to know what special things you have that affect weight loss, for me it's PCOS, and knowing that I have it changes my daily nutrition goals.

A little fatherly advice

I'm so thankful for a mother and father that speak truth in to my life.  They remind me what life is really all about and Who is ultimately in control.  They are more encouraging and loving than I possibly deserve, and I could never repay them for all they have given to me.

Today as I was driving to my follow up doctors appointment after my hospital stay last week, I called my dad to give him the good news that my shot had FINALLY come in (some how September 28 turned in to November 9...).  We talked for a bit about all that was going on, and before we got off, he stopped me and said that he really wanted to encourage me to find the positives in all that is going on right now.  We've had a lot thrown at us over the past few months, and although these blog posts have been informative to my friends and family that are interceding on my behalf, they definitely don't have many positive thoughts.

I've always been the happy-go-lucky girl, the one who can find the positive in any situation, and the one with endless hopes and dreams, but this journey has definitely gotten to me at times.  And in all of that, Satan has definitely been able to sink his jabs in every now and then as well!  I'm so thankful for my dad's wisdom and advice to get me back on track.

So here it goes...finding the positive - and from here on it, every blog will end positive, no matter what the purpose of the post!

1 - I have found a doctor that KNOWS what is going on inside my body AND has the answers to help me live a healthier life.
2 - He is working (and will continue to work) with us to make it possible for us to have what we want...a baby...and what I need...my health!
3 - Modern medicine allows me to have a chance at both of those above.
4 - God has given me a heart for adoption, whether that's the only way I become a mommy or not...it's something I have a passion for.
5 - We live across the street from the hospital.  Brad was able to run home to take care of Emmitt, and we didn't have to drive much at all to get the help I needed.
6 - I have good insurance, so we aren't breaking the bank to get the help I need.
7 - I got to spend a lot of quality time with Brad last week.  I saw (once again) how good of a caretaker Brad really is. As we went through one of our toughest trials as a couple, we did it together - I didn't HAVE to have my parents there because I knew Brad was going to take care of anything and everything. (But I was very thankful for their visit!)
8 - God orchestrated conversations with BOTH of our bosses to cover the time away while we are at the hospital with PTO we weren't aware we could use.
9 - I have a family (and friends) that are incredibly supportive in helping me through this journey.
10 - I have a God that has my very best interest in His heart, and He has a perfect plan for my family.

My new worst nightmare

If you've been following my journey, you know that I recently had my first PCOS consultation with Dr. Howard.  I am already on some medication for endometriosis, and this consultation added 3 new medications to the mix, along with a new diet - the South Beach diet where I would strictly limit the carbs in my diet.  I started taking half of a pill of metformin (I had only taken 1 complete pill - 1 on Saturday and one on Monday) at dinner and 2 pills a day of Spironolactone (one at breakfast and one at dinner).  Dr. Howard had also encouraged me to start this new part of my treatment with an appetite suppressant each day at lunch time.

For the past two weeks, I had been really struggling with my appetite.  I'm honestly not sure how much of it was me feeling in control of what was going on and how much of it was me actually not being hungry, but I was eating even less than normal.

I had worked over the weekend to look into all of the prescriptions and research the South Beach diet (I'd be starting on Phase 1 which was pretty strict), and I felt ready on Monday to give it my best shot - eggs for breakfast, grilled chicken breast for lunch, and (thanks to my no-appetite) peanut butter for dinner.  I knew that going forward I'd need to eat more in order to stay healthy, so I was researching recipes and foods that would meet the requirements of South Beach but that I would be able to enjoy as well.

On Monday evening, right before bed, I took all 5 of the pills...I nearly choked on one and gagged on another to the point I thought I was going to throw up.  This process was just starting and I was already dreading it!  I HATE taking pills.  I hate depending on medicine. And I hate that my body starts to develop a dependency on those pills.  On Monday night, 4 months seemed like it was going to be a LIFETIME.

Our Nightmare Begins

Tuesday morning, around 1:30 am, I woke up and felt extremely sick to my stomach.  I barely made it into the bathroom before I started vomiting.  I had never felt so sick or so weak in my life.  I would get cold sweats throughout my whole body, to the point that the back of my hair was literally dripping.  I also felt like there were thousands of needles trying to poke from the inside out of my arms.  The worst part was my heart racing.  I kept telling Brad that I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest.

I finally got settled back down around 3:30 and was able to sleep until about 7:00.  The rest of the morning I was in and out of it, feeling extremely weak and praying I wouldn't get sick again.  Each time I would get up to go back to the bath room or anywhere else, I felt like I was going to black out.

I was also still trying to stick to my SB diet, so I decided I'd make some sugar free jello to start off with.  I fell asleep waiting for it to get ready, and woke back up around 1:00.  When I ago up at that time, I was already feeling pretty sick, but made it into the bathroom before dry heaving for what seemed like an eternity.  The entire time, I began to have the same cold sweats and needle-sensation I had the night before and the racing heart rate had yet to slow down.  I was sitting indian-style in front of our toilet with my arms crossed on the seat and my forehead resting on my arms.  I had NO strength to do anything but sit there until another round of dry heaves would start.

Around 1:30, still sitting in the same position and now throwing up what "acid" stuff was in my stomach, Brad began to question if we needed to go somewhere.  I really wasn't sure how I was going to make it ANY WHERE, but I knew I wasn't going to get any better at home, so we loaded up and headed to the ER.

Our time in the ER

We live next door (literally) to Baylor Carrollton Hospital.  We don't even have to get on a street to get in the parking lot of the ER.  We were there in a matter of about 5 minutes.  We registered, got my blood pressure and vitals taken, and then sat with the initial contact to let her know what all was going on.  I cried as I sat with a barf bag in my hands and no energy left to even dry heave.  I began to have more cold sweats and the pain of the "needles" came over me again.  I told her a little about my story and that I was beginning to question if it was really worth all this.

She walked us right back to Room 3 where Brad and I would spend the next 10 hours of our day.

The doctor came in to the room and immediately noted that I was severely dehydrated based on my lips alone.  She walked through everything that was going on and I told her what I could about all the medicines I was on.  She ordered 2L of fluid and multiple tests.

We started with a few blood tests along with a blood pressure/heart rate test where they would measure my BP and HR while I was laying down, then sitting up, then standing up.  With each test, my blood pressure would go down further and my heart rate would increase.  This can determine how dehydrated a patient is.  Apparently, I failed this test miserably.

What seemed like an afternoon trip to the ER for fluids quickly turned into a scary experience with more questions than answers.  My doctor began to get the blood work back, some of which looked fine and other pieces that looked off.  We knew my blood pressure was extremely low, my heart rate was very rapid, my glucose levels were too low, and we were starting to learn that there were some red flags in other areas as well.

While I was in the restroom (thanks to IV bag 1), Brad overheard my doctor outside our room telling Mattie, my nurse, that "Room 3 is very sick."  I think this might have been the first time we really started to worry about what was going on.

Shortly after that, a technician from a different area came in and explained that the doctor had ordered an ABG - arterial blood gas - which is taken from an artery as opposed to the normal veins.  This goes through muscle and nerve, and mine is located directly under my vein.  I'd have to say this was the WORST part of the whole experience.  The initial technician tried twice in my right wrist, followed by a 2nd technician trying twice in my left wrist, and finally my friend David got it in one shot back on my right wrist.

You can see the nice little knot that was
left behind after the ABG was done.

 Once my doctor got the results back from the ABG, she knew that something was wrong and went ahead with starting the admitting process.  She couldn't tell us much.  She didn't know why my levels were so off, but she knew that it was dangerous for my body and that we needed to get it figured out.

She could tell us that at this time the ph balance in my blood was too low.  When this is out of balance, it causes the various systems in my body to not work properly.  It can also cause kidney and liver damage and introduce issues with the brain.  Needless to say, we were scared and wanted to get things taken care of quickly.

I had already been stuck once for the IV and five times for the ABG, and the doctor had ordered more blood work.  My IV had stopped working - it wasn't letting anything in or out, and then it started really hurting.  So the nurse had to pull my original IV out and started trying to draw blood from other areas.  I was so dehydrated that they were having trouble finding a vein, and when they did, nothing would come out.

The first time we put anything on Facebook or told anyone besides our parents what was going on was around 7:50 on Tuesday night.  The doctor had informed me that if they weren't able to get any blood out or get a new IV in, they'd have to put the IV in directly to my jugular.  Another wave of panic set in and I knew we needed people praying for us.

A phlebotomist came in (after 2 others tried 4 other times) and got the blood drawn.  A second technician came in and was able to get the IV in with a smaller needle.  I'd been stuck 12 times by 8 different people since coming in to the ER, but they had all the blood they needed and I had an IV back in.

This isn't even HALF of the trash from trying
to get my blood drawn and IV in.

Once we had all the blood work completed that my doctor ordered, we were able to FINALLY head up to my hospital room.  We got settled in around 11:30 or 12:00 after what was the LONGEST day of my life and the nurse put my third liter of fluid in.  We knew the nurses would be in pretty often to check my vitals - I think the only thing that happened more than "the sticks" was getting my blood pressure taken - so we went right to sleep to try and get as much rest as possible.

Day 2 - Admitted

Day 2 seemed to get started way too earlier with very little sleep the night before.  The first nurse came in around 5:00 am to draw some more blood (Lucky number 13 and the 9th person) and she was pretty quickly followed by an assistant that came in to take my blood pressure.  I was also taken down to radiology around 9:00 for chest and abdomen X-Rays.

We didn't have much news about what was going on, but we knew we were waiting to see Dr. Kim.  He came in around 10:30 and walked through the past few days and talked about all of the medicines I was taking.  He gave us a little insight as to what was going on, deciding it was "the perfect storm" inside my body, but told us he wanted us to talk with a Kidney specialist before moving forward.

My parents got in around 11:30 and that helped tremendously.  Just talking to them and NOT focusing on all that was going on was a nice break.  I definitely underestimated the lack of energy I had when I got so tired from taking a shower.  My sweet mom helped me blow dry my hair...this was something she hadn't done in a very long time! :)

My sweet mom blow drying my hair :)

Still waiting for the kidney specialist 

We waited most of the day for the kidney specialist, Dr. Perri, but she talked with us for quite a while and worked through what was going on.  She confirmed what the 2 other doctors had suspected, stating that my body was in starvation mode when I came in the ER and that something called "Acidosis" was taking place in my body.  There was too much acid in my body fluids.  From my lessened appetite and eating, to the amount that I vomited, added to the medicines I was taking and the lack of carbs I ate on Monday, my body wasn't able to keep up.

Dr. Perri explained that the fluids should help to get everything regulated again, and she hoped I'd be able to go home the following day!  I had my fourth and fifth bag of IV fluids - these contained more "nutrients" than the normal sodium chloride bags.

Day 3 - Going HOME!

Day 3 was pretty much the same.  My 5th bag of IV fluids finished up around 3:30 in the morning and they unplugged my from everything (IV and heart monitor), so I was able to sleep the rest of the night more comfortably than the two before.

They came in around 5:00 for another round of blood (stick 15) that barely worked at all.  He said he'd turn it in and hope for the best, but about an hour later, another lab technician walked in (stick 16) to try and get some more.  Thankfully she was a little more successful!  There was another blood pressure test (laying, sitting, standing) and a shot of meds around 9:30, but after that - we were finally just waiting for word from the doctors that we'd be able to go home!

B working from the hospital room.

A second kidney specialist came in around 1:45.  He had taken a look at my kidney functions, ph levels, and all of the tests that the nurses had been running.  He said my kidney output had gone back up, my levels were evening out, and he felt I was ready to go home!  Then we just had to wait on word from Dr. Kim.

My favorite "meal" while I was in the ER
and hospital room.

Our Answers. Our Plan.

Dr. Kim came in a little before 2:30 and spent some more time talking with us about all that had gone on over the past few days and weeks.  He gave us his obvious recommendation of stopping the latest medicines I had added and to hold off on the South Beach diet for now.  This was something Brad and I had already talked about doing, so we were glad to hear him say the same thing.

He did let us know that this is something that can happen again, so we'll have to watch for the warning signs from now on and I'll have to make sure that I'm getting an appropriate amount of nutrition - even when I don't "feel" like eating.

This definitely puts a pretty big kink in our plans with Dr. Howard, but I am starting to see God tell me not to rush this (repeatedly...in more than one way).  So we are going to slow down and focus on the endometriosis first, and then work towards getting the PCOS taken care of.

I'll meet with Dr. Howard this Friday to see what all he has to say about the latest developments in his plan for my health and fertility.

Emmers was SO glad I was home and able
to snuggle with him on the couch!

Some tough bruises from after the hospital stay.

I'm thankful to have been in a hospital where I felt prayed
for and loved the entire time.

Who PRAYS for a shot?

These are copies of text messages/emails that I sent to my parents, Brad, and his parents at the time everything was going on, so please ignore any errors.  I wasn't going for grammar, punctuation, or capitalization on these.


October 25 at 1:37
Update on the shot.  I just got off the phone with Mackey and she has been on the phone with everyone today.

Yardi is in CA, so our insurance and pharmacy benefits company is out of California.

My doctor is in Texas.

When curascripts (in ca) goes to fill the rx, they won't send it to a tx doctor.

So they transferred it to a tx blue cross (prime therapeutics) and they won't fill it cause the insurance is out of CA.

Mackey also called Express Scripts, who we have our rx benefits through, and they won't do it either.

So right now I would have to do it as not covered by insurance and its $800 a shot...$3200.

October 26 at 10:18

Just got off the phone with Mackey. She has talked to everyone available and no one will budge. Because of something to do with laws between California and Texas. The shot has to come from there since that's where my insurance is, but they won't send it from an rx with a Texas doctor.

Mackey has talked with a lady that can get the lower dosage (3.75 instead of 7.5) for free.

Because it will be a lower dosage, Dr. Howard is going to have me double up on the Femara. 2 in the morning and 2 at night, (which means doubly tired).

I will go in and have a sono at the end of 4 months to see if my tubes are still blocked. If they are I will keep getting the shot (possibly 6 months to start). I will also have to get my blood drawn periodically to make sure it is in fact lowering my estrogen levels. The goal is under 20.

I am waiting to hear back from dr. Howard's office to get the new rx for the double Femara. And Mackey is waiting to hear back about when she can get the free ones. She is hoping to get a 3.75 sample shot from their rep so that I can start ASAP!

October 26 at 10:53

I just got off two more phone calls.  One with Teresa from Neovia, which is a consulting firm that acts as a liaison between Yardi and Anthem.  She called to get my doctors name and number and was calling Anthem back with that information.  She says she hopes to have this resolved by the end of the day.  I’m just not sure how she won’t run into the same road blocks.

I also just got off the phone with Mackey to get some information regarding all of the calls she's made and the trouble she's had on those calls.  – The latest on the background information from her:

She calls the Vendor in California at CuraScripts and says that Texas process their own claims so they won’t send the injection to Texas and that we need to work with the Blue Cross Texas vendor to get the shot.  The Blue Cross Texas vendor is Prime Therapuetics.  When she calls them, they won’t fill it because they don’t have a contract with Anthem (Blue Cross out of California).  So she tried to call Express Scripts because that is who our pharmacy insurance uses and they won’t fill it without us paying full price because it is an injectable and it is a specialty drug.

We could really use your prayers at this time that God would allow this situation to work out.  I'm already on 6 perscriptions, and adding more is just scary.  Not to mention the one I'd be doubling up on already makes me tired as it is.  The longer this process takes, the more my endo can grow and continue to cause pain and other issues.  Also, the longer it takes, the longer we have to wait to start our family.

Please pray that if we can't get the 7.5 shot taken care of through insurance, that the sample would come quickly to Dr. Howard's office and that Mackey's contact would be able to provide the free shots for us.  Please pray that this treatment will work even though it's not our original gameplan, and please pray for patience as we try and work through all of this.

And then there was PCOS

I've known for a while that I have Endometriosis (since July 2007).  What I wasn't aware of, until seeing Dr. Howard for the first time, is that PCOS is almost always found to be present in patients with Endometriosis (along with IBS and PMS).  I'm 4 for 4.

During my pre-op sonogram we took a look at both my ovaries, and the technician was able to show me the cysts on both my right and left ovaries.  By the second ovary, Brad was even able to point out the cysts that lined my right side.  It was confirmed before Dr. Howard even opened me up that I was going to need to be treated for the PCOS along with the Endometriosis.

I had my initial consultation with Dr. Howard on my anniversary, so might as well have my PCO consultation the day before my birthday!  I was able to meet with Dr. Howard today and learn more about what exactly is going on inside my body.

What is PCOS?

PCOS stands for Poly (or many)-Cystic-Ovary-Syndrome, simply meaning that many cysts line my ovaries.  Dr. Howard was very quick to say that he wished the name would be changed because the cysts on the ovaries are merely a piece of the puzzle in what happens...it is not the cause.  PCOS is a hormonal imbalance linked to the way the body processes insulin after insulin has been produced by the pancreas to regulate blood sugar (glucose).  As a matter of fact, the moment I was born my body was already on track for PCO.

Our cells require two things - Oxygen (which we breath in) and Glucose (which our body makes by processing the food we eat).  There is a "gate" in our cells that must be opened so that the glucose can enter the cell.  This is done by insulin triggering a transmitter to open the gate, and then the glucose slides right in.

In patients that have diabetes, this transmitter is broken and the gate can't be opened.  In patients with PCO, the message is sent to open the gate, but a false message is sent as well which uses more energy than the body knows should be required.  Because of this, the body begins to store up extra insulin so that the message doesn't continue to process so slowly.  (This can be seen in the picture below on the bottom left corner)

All that means is that as an infant, after my very first time to eat, my body realized that something was different than it should have been.  The message in my cells was being sent to open the gate and let the glucose in, but it was doing so with too much energy required.  So my body began to store up extra insulin to make up for the difference.  This is known as insulin resistance.

Note: Insulin normally helps convert sugars and starches from foods into energy, but in cases where there is insulin resistance, the glucose will begin to build up in the bloodstream.  These high insulin levels lead to excess levels of male hormones which translates to weight gain.

When I hit puberty, this introduced the issue with my ovaries.  In a normal ovary, testosterone (male hormones) are turned into estrogen (female hormones).  In the ovary of a patient with PCO, there is excess testosterone.  This excess leads to damaging the egg because there isn't enough estrogen for the egg to fully mature and leaves only a sac of fluid behind.  These sacs of fluid are the cysts that remain on the ovary, so you can see how the "string of pearls" (as they are sometimes called) or the multiple cysts lining the ovary are formed.

When testosterone is present in excessive levels, as found in PCO patients, it is converted to a much stronger dihydrotestosterone (DHT).  This is responsible for thinning hair in women along with excessive hair growth in unwanted areas (especially on the face).  The excess testosterone can also be responsible for excess fat and excess oils (oily hair and skin) which can lead to acne.

All of that combined - the way that my body is function and the fact that it leads to obesity - the likelihood of high blood pressure, heart disease, and diabetes are greatly increased in women like me with PCOS.

So what do you do?

It might seem like all of that is a little overwhelming...I know it was to me!  But there are medicines to take and things to do in order to fight against what is going on.

1 - Prescription drugs. Metformin (as used in diabetic patients) and Flutomide (or Spironolactone)  Metformin alone largely reduces the risk of developing heart disease and diabetes.  These drugs are used to combat the oily skin/acne, excess hair, and excess fat that occurs in PCO patients.

I will be taking Spironolactone twice a day (breakfast and dinner) and I will be working my way up to taking Metformin twice a day.

Metformin has a 4 week introduction where you take half of a pill at dinner for the first week, half of a pill at breakfast and half at dinner for the second week, half at breakfast and a full pill at dinner for the third week, and a full pill at breakfast and dinner for the fourth week.

2 - Exercise.  An obvious way to combat the excess fat and encourage health is by working out.  My doctor encouraged me to work out 5 times a week, 30 minutes a day.  During those 30 minutes, he suggests that his patients walk 2 miles.  It doesn't seem like much, and it definitely doesn't seem difficult, but he has seen it to be very successful in his patients.

3 - Diet.  The South Beach Diet is often recommended for PCOS patients because of the limits it has on Carbs as well as other guidelines that are followed to encourage and promote healthy eating.  Weight loss is proven to improve insulin sensitivity.

I am excited to get started on all 3 steps and work towards a healthier me!

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the ugly truth

There were three (main) reasons I started blogging about my journey with Endometriosis (and now PCOS):

1 - So that I would be able to write everything down in one place and refer my friends and family to the blog...hopefully limiting the number of times I would have to explain the things that, at times, can be overwhelming and complicated (not to mention forgetting different pieces of the puzzle at different times).

2 - So that I could hopefully help others on the same journey.  I learned a lot about myself and my body when I couldn't find a good doctor, and now that I have a knowledgeable doctor, I have learned even more.

3 - The biggest reason I wanted to share my journey is so that our journey to a miracle can be shared with our children some day.  Our babies will be able to see how much they were prayed for and how hard we worked to have them.

With that being said, some of the struggles I've had with this battle are extremely personal and possibly a little uncomfortable for some people to talk about - like guys and there avoidance of the topic - periods...but that's part of this journey, and if I'm going to help others, I'm going to be honest.  I’m probably a little more open about it than some might be because I have dealt with it for so long and I’m so used to it.

This week has been one of my more frustrating weeks on this journey.  I haven't been very happy with the "professionalism" of my doctor and his office since after my surgery.  I had some pretty serious back pain and other complications after the surgery that he simply brushed off as "part of endometriosis."  

I had my follow up appointment on Friday, Sept. 14, an entire month.  I have yet to get my shot in the mail, or even get the call from the place that will send it to me.  I called the doctors office last Monday, October 1, and talked with the receptionist.  She couldn’t find my folder to see if the shot had been ordered, but felt like the insurance/billing person had it and was taking care of things.  Seeing that it had been almost a month, she put a note on that person’s desk. 

On Wednesday morning, I still hadn’t heard anything, so I called the billing person and left a message for her to call me.  When she called me back that afternoon, two things were obvious.  She never got the “note” that “was left” for her on Monday, and she had forgotten to order my shot over the past month.

I’ve talked to her this week as well and she said that she had talked to the place that will send the shot.  They have my information and were supposed to call me by Wednesday…it’s Saturday, and still no call.

At this point, I’m not sure when I’ll get the shot, but I’m guessing I’ll have to endure another period, and that is the LAST thing that is supposed to happen.

Needless to say, I’m considering (now more than ever) looking into some other doctors in the area to see what other options I have.

The past week has also been extremely frustrating because I am enduring my monthly bladder infection-ish.  I say “ish” because I don’t actually have a bladder infection.  I would test negative, and the antibiotics to treat it would do nothing.  My entire body just FEELS like I have one because I have endometriosis on my bladder.

This is something I have also been living with for almost two years now.  I had one so bad last summer that I nearly passed out at the Rangers game.  I ended up with a pretty bad heat rash and spent the only 3 innings we stayed in the bathroom.

When this happen, it’s honestly the most miserable I feel throughout all of the things this journey has had me endure.  There isn’t much that brings me relief, and  on at least 3 occasions in the last year, I’ve ended up throwing up before the pain goes away.

I end up drinking a WHOLE lot of cranberry juice, a little pill that makes my urine orange, and lots of advil…and I spend a lot of time praying that God will just let me feel better.

Like I mentioned earlier, I don’t have a lot of confidence in my doctor at this time, and seeing that he is only in his office on Monday and Wednesday all day and Friday for half a day, I don’t really have a doctor that is accessible to call when things like this come up.  I’d like to find a doctor that gets to know me and listens to my story, then helps me while we go through this journey together.  I would expect my doctor to be available to call when things come up related to the very issue he is helping me with…but I don’t feel like I have that right now.