Depression Sucks.

Just like everyone else, I was so sad to hear about the passing of actor Robin Williams.  He was immensely talented and did so much good with his life.  I mean, who can make you laugh until you cry and then cry until you laugh, and all in the same movie??  (If you don't know the answer, you need to check out Patch Adams.)

His passing definitely put a damper on the end of an otherwise normal day, but I fully expected to wake up yesterday morning with a fresh new day, and although I knew I would see countless tributes to him and articles about him, I had no idea how it would affect me.

Let's start by saying the day was an unusually bad tough one where Bryleigh was concerned.  It just wasn't a "normal" day with her as she was a little more fussy/needy than normal, but there were no signs of sickness, teething, or anything that really let me know what to do to help her.  So we just snuggled a whole lot, and I dealt with the tears when I absolutely had to put her down.  There was also the morning "Diaper" incident I referred to on Facebook.

However, a day that would have been a little tougher than the usual turned to almost impossible with every post I saw regarding the tragic event of Williams' death.  It was suicide.  He was depressed.  And now half of my newsfeed was overtaken with people who had opinions and were suddenly "experts" on the topic, most of which have probably never suffered from the debilitating disease or watched a loved one suffer from it.  (You can ask my mom, dad, and husband...they might say it's worse to watch it happen than to actually have it.)

Some of it was hard to see because it was so spot on about what depression feels like and looks like that it took me right back to some of the darkest times of my life.  The rest of it was even harder to see because it was people posting hurtful things about something they have zero experience with.  (And let me tell you, getting dumped in 10th grade by the boy you thought was the love of your life is not even remotely close to what severe clinical depression feels like or looks like.)

As I sat and thought about it some (and prayed about it a whole lot), I wondered what I would say if someone asked me what it felt like, what it feels like to be depressed.  I immediately knew what I would say.  The word that came to me yesterday was choking.  And then I saw THIS post by the beautiful and eloquent Ann Voskamp, and she put "choking" into far better words than I was thinking yesterday.

"depression is like a room engulfed in flames and you can’t breathe for the sooty smoke smothering you limp"

I was first diagnosed with depression at 16 years old.  The first time I ever said the words, "I suffer from depression" was at 20 years old.  It took me four years to even be able to say the words, and several years after that to really understand what was going on.  Now days, I can feel a low coming on or know it's here within a few days of it happening, but back then, I would go months and not know what was going on.  I was just stuck there, choking.

Some of the darkest days of my life are probably ones that most don't even know existed.  I've learned over the years how to "Fake It."  Depression has cost me some of my closest friendships.  How could I make them understand something I didn't even understand myself?  It cost me one of my biggest hopes and dreams.  I left Baylor after 3 of the toughest semesters of my life.  I would sleep 17 hours a day at times and found concentrating to study next to impossible.  Those 3 semesters were followed by what I can easily say was the darkest, hardest year of my life.  I came off of the medication I had been on for several years and the journey was excruciating.  (I'd put money on one of my parents' darkest days during this journey being the day I locked myself in their house...I don't even remember that day.)  I've quit job after job because I would rather be in a dark room by myself than surrounded by laughter (and providing for myself).

Depression sucks.  It sucks the passion out of you.  It sucks the energy out of you.  It sucks the happiness out of you.  It sucks the LIFE out of you.  It can kill your hopes and your dreams.  It can kill your relationships.  It can kill your job.  It can kill your self-worth.  It makes you say things you don't mean and mean things you don't say.  Depression SUCKS.

I'm thankful beyond words to my Heavenly Father that He has held me so delicately in his hands during every high and every low, protecting me from ever feeling like the best way to solve my current darkness was to ensure that there was a final and complete darkness.  But I can sit here and tell you as honestly as my heart allows that I know how someone can get there.  I know that people that face those demons alone, without a strong support system of people that listen to them and do their best to understand let alone without the ultimate Healer, I know that those people have absolutely no hope of seeing a better day.  So when the depression sucks the life out of you and you don't have that Hope, there's not a life left to take...it's only finding a way to end the darkness.

My hope and prayer is that this tragedy opens the eyes and hearts of those that suffer from the disease and those that love someone that does.  People will continue to hide behind closed doors or try to "fix" the issue themselves if they feel that they can not be honest about their pain, and some of the articles that were circulating yesterday as well as some of the back-handed comments I saw were nothing short of ostracizing and hurtful... Your words matter.