Bows and Boots - Learning to Let Go!

This blog should more appropriately be titled "Bows, Boots, and Boobs - Learning to Let Go," but I didn't think some people would appreciate that popping up on their Social Media sites.  {You're welcome Dad!}

I'm finishing up my first year of motherhood, and just as I expected, I've learned so much.  One of the biggest lessons I've learned is to just LET GO! {Cue Idina Menzel and the 10 year old girls' anthem everywhere...Let it go, Let it go!}  I feel like learning this sooner in motherhood is better than stressing for months, or even years before "getting it," and I know there are some moms that probably never get it.

I had intentions, expectations, dreams...whatever you want to call it, I had PLANS for what motherhood would look like.  I had PLANS for how this past year would go, what family pictures would look like, how I would take care of my baby, and how our time together would be spent.

The Boobs
Brad and I went to a class before Bryleigh was born.  We made all the effort (and financial investment) in the world to make breastfeeding work, but almost instantly, we were fighting an uphill battle.  We had lactation consultants in the room with us every 2 hours for at least an hour at a time the entire 72+ hours we were in the hospital.  But no matter how hard we tried, Bryleigh just wasn't going to be a breast fed baby.

Even after coming home from the hospital, we would sit in the rocking chair in her room, just the two of us, and give it every shot we could...but we would both end up in tears.  At the first post-hospital doctor's appointment, I knew we had to make some adjustments when her weight had dropped significantly and we were asked to come back again the following day for another weigh-in.  My baby's HEALTH was far more important than my pride in saying I exclusively breastfed my baby for the first year of her life.

I ended up on a pumping/feeding schedule, and before too long, I wasn't producing enough to keep up with even half of Bryleigh's needs.

I was only able to give Bryleigh breast milk for the first 3 weeks.  It's something I still have a hard time with, and it's something I still get a little angry with God about. I WANTED that experience.  I wanted to be able to have that bond with my baby.  My PLAN was to breastfeed my baby for the first year of her life...no pumping, no bottles, and no formula.

But you know what I wanted even more...to HAVE a baby, and God answered that prayer so faithfully and right on time.  Realizing that He had answered such a huge prayer allowed me to let go of the things I felt like I was missing out on.  I've learned over the years that sometimes He takes away things we are grasping on to in order to fill our hands with something better, so I just have to trust Him when He takes something away or closes a door.

The Boots
Bryleigh has worn shoes a handful of times in her entire 11 months.  When she was first born, she had the tiniest feet.  At 6 months she could still fit in newborn shoes.  It was always hard to find shoes that fit right because they seemed to be too long, but still wouldn't stay on for some reason.

Well in the past few weeks I have finally learned what's going on...Bryleigh has fat feet.  Like SERIOUSLY fat feet.  She has short, wide feet, and they don't make those cute furry boots or sparkly Mary Jane's for short, fat feet.

Bryleigh's foot is a size 3, but I have to get a size 4 because of the width, and even then, they don't actually stay on.

So you know what, I gave up.  I'm letting go, and when she starts walking, we'll find a pair (albeit EXPENSIVE) to make sure she's supported the way she needs to be, but until then...I'm just not going to worry about it.

The first purchase I made for "Baby H" was a pair of Tom's-look-a-likes that were sparkly gold and pink leopard print, and we didn't even know we were having a girl yet! I was so excited about little tiny shoes.  I wanted a different pair for every outfit with special shoes for special occasions.  I never dreamed of taking her out of the house, to the nursery at church, or having family pictures made without her having shoes on, but I don't think we have a single family picture of her in shoes, and she may have worn shoes to the nursery on 2 occasions...and you all know we leave the house EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. without shoes on...and some days, she doesn't even have on socks!

But just like breastfeeding, I have learned to let go of my expectations for what I pictured Bryleigh's sweet and picture perfect little life to be like and just go with the flow.  I'm not about to make that baby girl cry over something like a pair of shoes!

The Bows
I'm pretty sure the moment a mom finds out that little one growing in her belly is a girl, she starts planning all of the outfits with coordinating bows.  I had family pictures and holiday outfits planned from here until she graduated from college...maybe even her wedding if we're being totally honest.

"You're never fully dressed until you have a coordinating frilly, fuzzy bow."

But you know what started happening about a month ago?  Bryleigh started pulling her bows out.  The second I put a bow or headband on, her hand went straight up and pulled it out, messing up her perfectly fixed hair at the same time.

So we just finished her first holiday's - Thanksgiving and Christmas - and I'm pretty sure we don't have one single picture with a bow on top of her head.  And you know what?  I'm okay with that, because I've learned to just LET GO! (PS. She's still getting a custom bow holder for her 1st birthday, and I'll continue to try and make her wear bows until she's at least 16.)

I know this is a lesson I'll learn many times over, and I'm sure some of you will have to remind me to let some things go in the future, but for now...I'm thankful that it's a lesson I've learned and that I'm able to focus more on enjoying the here and now and not stressing about what could have been, how I really wanted things to go, or what other mom's consider to be "good enough."