People make a lot of jokes when you are pregnant...jokes about size (yours and/or the babies, your belly, your ankles...), jokes about genders, jokes about eating habits...but one of those "jokes" is about who's in control.
Over the past two months (and probably longer), I've heard countless people talk about how WILL is in control. It's Will's fault I was so sick in the beginning, it's Will's fault I was in/am in pain at different times, and it's Will's fault that I went in to pre-term labor (<< that's the big one...).
If we're being honest...that is NOT true. Will is just hanging out in there, and he may or may not want to come out. Will hasn't been causing contractions, that would be my body. Will hasn't been causing all of the pain and discomfort, that would be my body (and a little bit of my first born...) Will didn't cause all of the nausea and vomiting (and neither did my first born), that would be my body and it's inability to take on any extra hormones.
But beyond that...beyond my body actually being at fault for those things, IT'S ALL GOD'S DOING. He has this plan, and in His plan was preterm labor for our little guy at 31 weeks, it was for weeks in the hospital, weeks at home on bed rest, a second trip to the hospital, and a lot of close calls in between. It was His plan for us to face a possible preemie, to now facing "stalled labor." Every bit of this has been within God's control, NOT Will's, and it has all been part of His plan. None of this has come as one bit of a surprise to Him.
From the beginning of this pregnancy, I hoped for an "early" delivery - I was thinking 37ish weeks would be great considering Bryleigh had been such a big baby (that we were clueless about) and such a difficult delivery/recovery. I wanted SO bad to have a little bit smaller baby so that the delivery process was a little easier and that the recovery process would be more manageable - I have a lively, lovable almost three year old that I don't want to miss out on one single second of her life (especially right here at the holidays), and I pictured myself after her birth and KNEW I wouldn't be able to do much with her if things go similarly - and it TERRIFIES me.
Although I hoped for an earlier delivery, I never hoped (or dreamed) we'd be so close to meeting our son at such a tiny size, and I will be forever grateful that God spared us from taking that journey. Since that first day in labor & delivery, hooked up to all kinds of machines and medicines to intervene and make sure we were both healthy, it has been a constant battle of trusting God completely and clinging to every ounce of control I still could.
I have played out countless scenarios of "good" and "bad" birthdays for Will along the way, what would be convenient for us, what would be fun for us, and what would be special days (i.e. - my grandparents 75th wedding anniversary fell on November 5th of this year...and their last name just happens to be where I first got "William" from). I am bad about that sort of thing though, playing out scenarios and planning things for God, as if I could have better plans than He does.
As I sat in the hospital room last week, angry at God that he hadn't listened to any of my plans, or apparently, any of my fears, I spent a lot of time crying, or worrying, or both. Those were honestly some of the toughest, darkest days of this whole journey because I felt like any control I had was slipping through my hands, and I just couldn't see how all of this was going to work out. (I'll update a little more on that in the final BumpDate blog.) As much as I have said/can say I trust in the Lord with all of this, it's a lot harder to actually DO the trusting, the letting go, the no more planning.
For the last year, after finishing up the Kendrick Brothers', The Battle Plan for Prayer, I learned a whole new way of praying - GOD'S GLORY. We aren't to pray for the things we want, but instead we should pray for what brings God the most glory. I have done really well at this at some times...and other times I've fallen flat on my face and been as selfish as my precious toddler, telling God exactly what I want, and that I want it NOW. (As Bryleigh says, "I need that right now.") And I hate to admit that the majority of this journey has been me whining and bargaining for my desires, forgetting that the goal is for what brings God the most glory. (After finishing the book and processing all I had read, I began referring to it as "His story. His glory." All of this life, it's ultimately for HIS story, not my own, and I want every bit of it to bring Him the most glory.)
So at this point, considering Will is still not here, and we haven't gone through the whole birth and recovery process, I don't really know the end of this story. And honestly, I might not ever really know the point of these days since October 4th, but one thing I know is that from this point on, I am focused on praying for God's will in my life and whatever brings Him the most glory.
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