Why I'm THANKFUL for Hyperemesis

James 1:2-3 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 

for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 

I'm currently in my 21st week of pregnancy, and I'd have to say, I think I've finally turned that corner my doctor kept telling me would come eventually.  (I've been a little apprehensive to write about rounding that corner for fear that I'll keep rounding it and end up right back where I was...somedays I feel like we take one step forward only to take 2 steps back.)  I'll preface this by saying that I know I'm not out of the woods.  I still have to be careful about what, when, and how much I eat, what I smell, and even what I see...you'd be surprised all the things that have actually made me throw up over the past 17 weeks!

For the past two weeks I've really been fighting getting sick because my esophagus has been so damaged by the past 17 weeks that I have been throwing up blood, and whether you've been warned about that or not (thankfully, I was by my doctor), it's still a scary thing to see.  So this past week, I spent 3 full afternoons in bed because the nausea was just so intense on those days that I really couldn't do much else.

I can definitely tell that my energy is coming back, slowly but surely.  At the beginning of being so sick, walking from our bedroom to the living room would make me dizzy and exhausted, then it was longer periods, like a full morning at church.  Thankfully, I can now go to the grocery store with Brad and not have to worry if I'm going to end up passing out or having to go sit out in the car.  I will admit that I still get nervous from time to time about doing different things, and there are some things that are still almost impossible (for some reason taking a shower is the hardest thing I do these days!), but I know that my body is much healthier today than it was a few weeks ago.

With all of that being said, as tough as the 20 weeks were to get to this point, I am thankful for THIS journey that God has me on.  As we struggled through infertility and were told we might not be able to conceive, my prayer to God was that He would give me the opportunity to experience carrying my own child.  I always knew that I would be a mother, and I still believe that someday Brad and I will experience the miracle of adoption as well, but I wanted more than anything to feel my baby kicking from the inside.  I wanted to be the one that provided her with what she needed for the first 9 months of her existence, and that was prayer, day after day, week after week.  My prayer was first and foremost for God's will, but I knew that I could tell Him what my heart desired openly and honestly.

Well, He answered my prayers...FULLY.  I have been able to experience just about all there is to carrying your own child, and I look forward to all of the experiences over the next 20 or so weeks, whatever they may be (even if that means we took a wrong turn at that corner, and the 2nd 20 weeks end up looking like the 1st 20).  I am THANKFUL for the past 20 weeks, Hyperemesis, and every single thing that has happened throughout this pregnancy...some of it I just hope I can forget and never experience again!

Because of Hyperemesis, I am officially a stay at home wife and mom.  I fought as long and as hard as I could to NOT be there yet.  My plan was never to give notice at my job BEFORE I had a baby...as much as I wanted to at times, and as much as Brad and I debated and discussed the issue.  But at every turn during this pregnancy, God kept saying, "But this is MY plan for you."  I would be ready to just quit messing with it all (the paper work, the being sick in bed all day), suck it up, and ask my doctor to release me back to work.  I felt as if not going back to work made me look selfish and incapable, I had no idea it was actually what GOD wanted for me, too.

At my followup after my first six weeks out, I was certain I'd be returning to work on the following Monday (and had a good long meltdown about it too), but after talking with Dr. Harris for about 10 minutes, it was clear he was NOT going to release me.  The same thing happened at my appointment after the second six weeks out.  That, along with God providing in some financial ways that Brad and I weren't expecting let me know that God really was saying, "But this IS my plan for you."

For so long I had wanted to quit (before even getting pregnant).  For so long, my "light at the end of the tunnel" was having a baby at home to take care of (not BEING the one at home, needing to be taken care of).  And for so long, my pride (and Satan) told me that quitting my job was only a selfish thing to do and that I was a failure.  But over the past 4 or 5 weeks, I have CONTINUALLY heard God whispering, "But Carrie, this is my plan for you."  And He has continued to show us, sometimes daily, that we are right where we are supposed to be, doing exactly what He wants us to be doing.  So for that, I am thankful for Hyperemesis.

James had it right when he wrote to count it ALL joy.  Because of this trial, my faith has certainly been tested, but looking back, all I can see now is a strengthened relationship with my Heavenly Father.  Because of Hyperemesis, there were (and still are) days that I would spend 2 and 3 hours in the Word and in prayer - for this unborn baby and her life, for my husband and our relationship, for our friends and family and the various needs they have been facing, and for my own personal relationship with Jesus Christ - so for that, I am beyond thankful for Hyperemesis.