Last spring, when it came time to sign our commitment cards for leadership in Romans, I just could NOT sign my card. At one point, the morning it was due, I even tried to just grab the pen and sign it real quick, and I almost threw up...like literally. So I put it down and walked away. And that's when I heard Him clearly, "Carrie, this is not what I have for you."
My heart was racing, and tears poured from my eyes. I was SO confused. WHY in the world would THIS not be what God has for me. Why would serving Him, leading ladies, and bible study NOT be what He has for me? Honestly, it scared me...if THIS wasn't what He had...then what was?!
I've heard Him say that a few more times over the summer, including as recently as two weeks ago when I came about one phone call away from a full-time, work-from-home job. Once again, "Carrie, this is not what I have for you." Once again, I had a difficult conversation that caused my pulse to quicken and my stomach to feel queasy, just like it had last spring when I almost signed that paper.
I spent most of my time since that day searching my little corner of the world for a specific answer as to just WHAT God has for me. With each time I've heard Him say, "Not this one," I've seen a little bit more of what he DOES have for me illuminated.
And as I sit here on the eve of the first day of BSF, I get it. I know what it is He has for me: MOTHERHOOD. He's given me the task of raising, caring for, and enjoying life with two beautiful babes who are absolutely perfectly made in His image. There are long days, but they are fun days. There are hard days, but they are good days. And I will soak in every hour, minute, and second He has given me to just be Momma to these babes, knowing just how fast it goes and how fast they grow. (In case you're wondering...we're TEN weeks from Thanksgiving, because we're TEN weeks from having a ONE YEAR OLD! I can't.)
Update on the Babes
Bryleigh is doing GREAT. We watch her like a hawk. We work SUPER hard to make sure that she is only eating foods that fall on her "approved list," and we stick to her treatment with supplements and vitamins, along with the weekly visits to the chiropractor. We still find her having some trouble, and we fight off flare ups from time to time, but we feel SO grateful for where she is right now. And we will do everything we can in our power to fight to keep her there or getting better!
William is also starting to do really well himself! We've worked with the chiropractor and his GI doctor at Cooks to make sure things keep "moving" for him. He's on a less involved treatment plan of supplements and vitamins than B, and we are currently on two prescriptions from the GI doctor that have really helped improve things for him. Right now, when we take away those prescriptions, things go right back to where they were...so we'll keep working to find answers and things that help him.
On top of finally seeing (and hearing) what it is He has for me, I have been able to see some other things that God knew way in advance about our schedules this year. Up until about two weeks ago, I still had time in my schedule to be a momma AND a BSF Leader, although the time committed to leadership is no small amount.
But Will's 9 month well visit didn't quite go as we expected. Our pediatrician had some concerns about some things she was seeing in Will and answers I was giving to some questions she was asking, which led to an appointment last week with Cook's and an upcoming brain MRI under sedation as a precaution to rule out some things that have really long names attached to them.
His appointment on Friday led to recommended therapy for him for the next 6 months, weekly. And there it was. In a matter of seconds, I knew. I knew that God had been caring for my heart AND my time to prepare us for what He DOES has for us this year. With all that we've done over the last three years to care for Bryleigh, I just never imagined it would really get any more time consuming than it already was. And then it did.
We don't really understand all that's gone on over the last few years, nor do we really understand why, but we do know that God is in control, that He is fighting for us, and that His plans for us are for our good and His glory. We are so grateful for the babes that He has entrusted to us and the lives He has designed for both of them. We look forward to all that God will do in and through them!
Our precious small group leaders, Derrick and Julee Duke, shared this beautiful song with us on Sunday morning and I have listened to it on repeat since that day. I just wanted to share a piece of what encourages me in this journey He has us on. I pray it encourages you, too.
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