Do You Trust Me? Part 2

I have always wanted a “quiver full” of babies to raise in a godly home and shoot them out into the world to spread the love of Jesus Christ. After all, that’s what the Bible tells us to do in Psalm 127:4-5.

But we got pregnant with Bryleigh after struggling through infertility for 2 years, and I was insanely sick for 40 weeks. And then we got pregnant a second time, but I miscarried our sweet babe. Then we got pregnant with Will after another year and a half struggle, and  I went into preterm labor at 31 weeks. Not to mention both of our babes have suffered with some pretty tough health issues that I have major mom-guilt over, feeling like I “gave” it to them. ( I know I didn’t, and we praise God for how far they’ve come and how much we’ve been able to share about His love for us through that part of our journey. So much goodness.)

All of those things, and a few others, are the reason that in the MIDDLE of our pregnancy with Will, we would tell every single person (whether they asked or not) we were 100% done. Like, completely finished, never ever having another biological child.

I’m not sure when the first time God punched me in the gut with it, but I heard Him whisper, “Are you sure? Did you even ask me?” And I didn’t. We didn’t. We never once asked God if we were done. We were consultations away from permanently taking that option away. We had doctors recommendations that I physically alter my body to where that was no longer an option. And I had ZERO peace. I knew it wasn’t right. Not yet at least.

Once I wrestled with the question God asked me about checking with Him, which was an easy answer since we had not at all, I began to hear a second question, even more clearly: “Do you trust me?” Wholeheartedly yes, I absolutely do.  For months, I heard this same question. 

So then, I had the difficult task of going to Brad and saying, “Hey, you know how awful and scary and terrifying it’s all been? I don’t think we’re done yet.” Just as much as I didn’t want to relive any of the past, Brad absolutely didn’t want to watch me relive it either. He was there for the 36 hours of magnesium to keep Will in (for as many days and weeks as possible) where I puked my guts up and couldn’t even cry because it literally burned my eyes so bad... but to me, an entire day, 24 hours of it is as if it didn’t even happen because I was SO out of it (Praise God).

Thankfully, Brad knows when to take me seriously and when God has really been working. After the shock wore off, he agreed to pray and talk about it with me. We knew the decision was clear. We had to at least try. We knew God was asking us to trust Him, and our step of obedience has been to just TRY.

I’ve been blessed by God with a dreamy little side gig where I get to help beautiful brides plan their big day. I have THREE coming up in the next nine months, and because we KNOW those came from God too, we felt like we really only had a small window to “try,” but that if it was God’s will, He would do it. (Cue: I’ve seen you move, you move the mountains, and I believe I’ll see you do it again! 🎶) A two month window to be exact: July and August. Anything earlier and I’d risk being “too sick” for the early weddings, anything later and I’d risk being “too pregnant” for the third one. (Remember the whole preterm labor at 31 weeks thing?!)

Once we said yes to Him, we were all in. We were excited about the possibility and started to dream a little about what it would look like. July came and went with no pink lines, plus signs, or a digitally printed “pregnant”. 

This was it. One last month to turn our world upside down in the best possible way. But then something completely unexpected happened. On August 15, my father in law asked me to pray about going on a trip with him to Haiti. So I did. I prayed a lot. Brad was worried about a sick-pregnant me going on the trip. I just KNEW I wasn’t. But at the end of the day (actually at the end of the week...), I felt like I heard God say, “Say yes.” So I did.

But after a little bit of research, I realized I actually could absolutely NOT go if I was pregnant due to Zika risks. So, I was all in with my yes, even texted my father in law, under one condition: a negative pregnancy test.

And that’s what I got on August 21. I took it and it read “Not Pregnant,” plain as day and identical to the one I’ve seen more times than I can count. I remember telling my mom it was the least disappointed I’d ever been in a no, because the alternative meant I was headed to serve God in Haiti.  Within days, my online portal was set up and I was raising my funds to go. God moved quickly with me being almost fully funded in 24 hours. I felt like it was his affirmation of this trip.

However, a week later, I couldn’t shake this strange feeling (some might call it hyperemesis round 4). I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something was off. I could barely sleep, eat, think straight. I hadn’t even done the math on my cycle, but by the time I checked, I was a week late. 😬 8 days after that negative pregnancy test, on our last “official” day of summer, I made a quick trip to Walgreens and bought a box that held a test whose results would forever change our family... in the best way possible.  I took it as soon as I got home, and there it was: PREGNANT.

So here we are, 9 weeks later. The shock has (sort of) worn off. We have heard and seen the heart beat with big sister AND big brother in tow. It will hands down be my most favorite moment as a family of four. We made a lot of good memories as a family of two, then three, and now four, but I’m looking forward to all the ones we will make as a family of FIVE! There have also been lessons and challenges at each of those steps as well, and we know there are more to come. But we also know the God we serve is for us and He has a good plan for our family, so we can trust and follow Him whole-heartedly.

Just a little FAQ for inquiring minds:

1.  Were you trying?  I think this blog answers that question, but YES! I still feel a bit like this is our "Surprise" baby because I definitely never expected to be doing this again.

2.  How are you feeling?  Obviously the biggest fear I had, or at least one of them, was being sick for an entire 40 weeks and not being able to care for the babes God has already given me.  He has been SO gracious to me this time around and I haven't been anywhere near as sick as I was the last 3 pregnancies.  I am nauseas all day, every day, with it being much worse as the day goes on, but... I HAVEN'T THROWN UP ONE SINGLE TIME!!!  I started on diclegis, which I took with Will, and it makes a HUGE difference.  My two sickest days happened the days after I forgot my medicine.

3.  What about high-risk?  At the end of my pregnancy with Will, Dr. Harris let us know that any future pregnancies would be considered "high-risk" because of how things went with Wild Man.  We absolutely love Dr. Harris and know that we are in the best hands! After our heart-beat appointment, he let us know he was taking our entire file home with him that weekend to review everything and he'd be ready with a plan the next time we see him.  It doesn't guarantee the same thing won't happen, but we're going to do everything we can to prevent it. (I will be doing the same!!)

4.  Will you find out what you're having?  Absolutely!! We can't wait to know if we're adding a brother or sister to the mix, but we'll wait until our anatomy scan halfway through!  We've never done the 10-week blood test, so we're okay passing on it again.

5. We know how momma is feeling about the pregnancy, what about everyone else?  Obviously grandparents are super excited, but I think the MOST excited is a Big Sister!! Sweet Will has NO idea what's headed his way, but he was absolutely MESMERIZED at the sonogram!! He didn't move a muscle as he watched/listened. And B-dad, well... he's still trying to catch his breath! He's super excited, and a little shocked!

6. Are you going to do a bump tracker?  Duh.  You can't do something for the first two and NOT do it for the third! ;) But don't expect to see it on a regular basis, because...well...TWO KIDS. AND PREGNANT.  I've been doing a weekly pic, super laid back, super casual, and something I can easily do throughout the whole pregnancy!! (Currently baby is the size of a cute green olive.)

(If you're wondering why this is "Part 2," that is because I wrote "Part 1" about going to Haiti the night before I took the positive pregnancy test.  I was going to share it the next morning, but as soon as I took the test, that positive let me know I was no longer headed to Haiti.)